Wednesday, September 30, 2009


I know I'm a huge loser. Acceptance is the first step. I divorced cool in 1999 and haven't looked back. I mean LOSER is a strong word. (I know I always back peddle - it's a habit I am not interested in breaking) I think I have major life skills. I guess I just don't give a shit about what's "socially acceptable". I'll never hurt your "feelings", or do something that may make the masses uncomfortable (however I do forget how uptiiiiiiiiiiiight some humans can be, gosh) If it feels good dooooooooo it - just not at the expense of others right?

Picture this: Me, Yoga pants that shockingly make my bum look half hot, Bare faced -not even chap stick- Sex hair (minus the sex) aka insanely wavy and crazy due to the fact I swear to jebus I woke up in a SAUNA (I can't work the GD heat and that is another issue) and in walks J Crew meets LL Bean McRehab. (Squeal!) I didn't even try to tone down my giddy grin. He came over and introduced himself. I quote " I had to come meet the new girl who drew a heart beside her name" SHIT. I was like "Well I'm happy you did" Immediately I regret this response as it was FAR too flirty for rehab. I think? Anyway he went on to be like "You are down in the independent living suite right" (Holy Fuck! -I know he was just making small talk, but in real life I would have sensed a pick up move) I resisted the urge to advise him I was free all afternoon....So, I mean, you might be reading this thinking, well BIG DEAL. Well kiss my ass. You haven't been cooped up living with your parents for the past two months never associating with the general public. I take what I can. Again, Acceptance is key. Anyway he did some medical chit chat with my physio chick and she says (I swear I am not making this up) "She has the tightest hips I have ever seen with blah blah blah (it was some long word I don't have the skills to reiterate or regurgitate or somethin)" OH MOTHER EFFIN GEEE. I mean funny to ME cause I was thinkin in thug speak (my second language) that's HOT. Obviously that's not what she meant right? but I got a kick. I glanced at Sex on a Stick and he was bein all business. He left shortly after a "Nice to meet you Miss Haley" (Big toothy white smile) Hmm. Not sure about how I feel about the "Miss Haley" thing. He looks to be around 30ish, I think he knows he's hotalicious. I ain't mad at it. I did a smile and wave combo. Didn't want any more slip ups.

Later I am on the recumbent bike (quite a site with the moonboot) and they have some tunes playing. I'm diggin it, groovin and what not. To my INSANE AMUSEMENT what song comes on? Let me rap it out for ya:


(don't trust me - 3OH!3)

I couldn't hide the shock/joy/ ironicy (not a word -don't care) of this whole scene. I am in a gym filled (for the most part) with seniors - All disabled in some way - This IS rehab, (not the Good Life Fitness Center) and here we are workin out to some ass hole rappin about poor Helen Keller?! I LOVE IT!!!! I looked around to see the reaction. Only one 60+ dude gave me a half hearted thumbs up.

Let the FUN Begin!!

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

They try to make me go to Rehab.....

Well here I am!

I arrived yesterday (towing a super sized suitcase, a garbage bag full of linens, my LT and two ridiculously large purses) Mom and Dad drove and set me up all nice and comfy. It was a weird feeling. Kinda like Uni minus the beer, hot boys and I guess beer? They gave me a choice between a hospital room and a "transitional living suite" Pshhhhhhh I'll take the Suite please. It's actually pretty pimp. I have my own kitchen (with a washer/dryer, a dishwasher, full oven, microwave) a little couch and TV with a table and stuff, then a bedroom with a full bath. Ooh and There is a big double pull down bed for VISITORS. (That isn't a hint, I like being alone but just sayin) If you ignore all the hospital equipment and gadgets it's a definite 4 star. Since I have a full kitchen I went to Sobe's yesterday and picked up an impressive clean and organic grocery order. I generally hate food shopping, but it has been so long I felt like a five year old picking out her favorite cereal. Anyhow, after all that excitement we hit up McDonald's for a happy meal. Seriously. The health crap is just for looks. When my parents left I was half relieved but also a bit sad/nervous. I mean, what if no one wants to be my friend? What if I suck at Rehab? Moving along, I met a team of people who are assigned to ME. Wow. I mean, I am sure I am not their ONLY patient, but they put on a good act. They measured every part of me, weighed me (YIKES) Watched me hobble and took LOTS of notes. I wonder what those things say anyway?? I bet it's nothing medical. Prolly something like "Patient seems mildly retarded, Self Stim's by talking to herself and laughing at nothing, Clean but her hair needs some work, and she clearly needs to lay off the cookies and practice Yoga" Mmm. Somethin like that I think. I failed to mention they have HIGH SPEED. I have been I-podding my brains out. Yesterday, after my full inspection, they sorta just left me alone so I DJ'd/DL'd Like a Mo Fo. I haven't met any buddies. I am sorta alone down here and I get the vibe that this suite buys me no friend points.

Today I woke up at 7AM. It was painful but I didn't want to be a bad patient. I checked my "schedule board" (that is color coded and yes I drew a heart beside my name - those rehab bitches gotta know who's boss right?) To my dismay I wasn't scheduled until 11:30. Fuck. I dragged myself outta bed because you are supposed to check first thing to make sure you don't miss a session (and the schedule is posted all the way upstairs) So I did a bit of soul searching and watched some talk shows until it was my turn. My physiotherapist is one of the tiniest adults I have ever encountered (I was REEEALLY bankin on a McSteamy) I am sure she is excellent, but sweet Jesus how the hell is this preschooler gonna maneuver me?! I mean, I'm not big by any means, but I'm talkin TINY. Anyway, she pulled out her notes, took some more and did a lot of "mmhmm-ing" She contorted my body like an pretzel and was shockingly strong. I am no a Physio V-card - I've been around the block - and let me tell ya, this chick was IMPRESSIVE.

Anyway, I'm off to my next session. Pretty stoked. My only complaint is that the gym is floor to ceiling mirrors. After two months of only moving to piss (Well to be honest, I guess more like a YEAR) this was a bit of a wake up call. Those organic groceries aren't lookin so bad after all.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Lost & Found


A pair of white male briefs were found on Saturday, September 26th, 2009 on the Lower Norton Shore Road in Kingston, NB. If these are your dirty, old man underpants please come remove them from the middle of the road ASAP.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Make ya say ohhhhhhhh... Oatcakes!!

I have recently converted. I am now a black coffee drinker. I was a "single cream" girl before, but when you got some high quality beans why mess that up with a shot of liquid lard aka Cow Puss?! Don't get me wrong I ain't tryin to cut calories (obvi) and I do dig a bit of cow puss from time to time, but I'm just sayin. Try it. You might surprise yourself. The perfect pairing (in my highly regarded opinion) for some Foghorn Black is an O-Face Oatcake. In support of happy week I thought I would publish the recipe so here goes:

HP's O-Face Oatycakes

2 Cups of Whole Wheat Flour

1 1/2 tsp Baking Soda

1/2 tsp Salt

1/2 tsp Cinnamon (sometimes I just dump in a bunch cause I dig it)

2 Cups Brown Sugar (I use one cup of Splenda Brown and 1 cup regular Brown)
6 Cups of large flake Oatmeal (some like half and half if you don't love horse food, but I dooo)
1 Cup of any Oil (I use half a cup of Olive and another whole cup of unsweetened Apple sauce -I make my own on the stove, peel two apples cut up and put in a saucepan with cinnamon -natural and yummy)

1 Cup Water

You also may add any extra yummies you like - My personal fav is walnuts, ground flax and dried cranberries, Almond slices (really any nut variety), sunflower seeds, raisins, chocolate chips... (whatev you used whole wheat flour yo!!)

Mix in a giant bowl. Ya gotta let all the flava flaves Meld for at least an hour on the counter. Key Step. Don't rush perfection.

Pre Heat the Oven to 375

Dump Oaty mess in large size cookie sheet (you need an old school one with sides) mush it down onto the pan. Take a piece of wax paper and use a rollin pin to make all even and neat like that.

Bake for 15 minutes.

Cut into squares. I like em big.
Now. If ya wanna go all crazy wild (I recommend this on weekends only) When they are still warm add some Ice cream and Syrup (personal fav is Udderly Divine with some Smuckers Caramel Sauce)


Happy Friday :)

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Smile Bitch!

I was watching a documentary the other day on "Happiness" (I love you Discovery Channel!!) and found it fascinating.

Americans are taking so many antidepressants that, according to the New York Times, the water supplies of major U.S. cities are now contaminated with traces of these drugs.

Gosh. I guess the good news is:

Happiness is understandable, obtainable, and teachable. In a society that spends more than $25 billion a year on psychopharmaceuticals (that’s $85 a person) and untold billions dealing with family dysfunction, shouldn't education on mental well being take priority?

Can I get a HECK YES?!

Happiness is a state of mind or feeling characterized by contentment, love, satisfaction, pleasure, or joy.

C'mon all you miserable peeps (obviously there are a lot of you!) is this not worth "learning?"

Road Trip it to Indigo, Call the shrink or at the very least GOOGLE IT.

In all seriousness, for a long time I thought to be happy was as natural as breathing. Clearly this is not so. I had a great childhood, wonderful parents - a supportive family....So easy for me right? Well, we all have our personal struggles - some considerably worse than others - but we only get one shot at this human deal, don't we owe ourselves a serious dose of happy lessons?!

Sometimes I get sad, I mean you can't be a 'cup o cheer' all the time right? but I think we all need a "go to mental list so I don't go mental list"

Here's Mine:

1. Dance and Sing (with reckless abandon) to some old school Country tunes.I mean REALLY give er. Sober.

2. Take a deep breath. Realize that I'm not THAT big a deal. The world is not ending. This probably won't even matter next week. If the situation is out of my control then why the heck am I wasting the drama? (or cookies) If you can make a positive change then do so already lazy ass! (that is my positive self talk)

3. Hug someone worthy and really mean it. Better yet, tell them why you are happy to have them in your life. It doesn't have to get all gag bag either. Keep it simple shorty (or elaborate - whatev)

4. Volunteer for something you are passionate about. Passion is a strong word. Maybe over used? Meih, if you don't have a passion, just fake it till ya make it. (Since I have had plenty of time for self reflection, this is something I have been lacking as of late) I am super pumped to get more involved like now.

5. Make cookies/nachos in your favorite uniform. Share.

6. Look at some old baby pics. It'll make you smile. At least your Mom still thinks you are THAT cute.

7. Stretch.

8. Organize the "junk drawer" You will find great things.

9. Call your peeps, Have a slumber party, go for cocktails (not too many), talk to your boyfriend and remember why you would love him sans penis, hit up the Bulk Barn and rent a movie... The point being: WITH OUT POSITIVE SOCIAL INTERACTION WE GET WACKO.

10. Hang out with a five year old. They put it all into perspective

I could go on, but I wanna hear your lists. Call me. Make my day! - XOXOXOX

Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.-Abraham Lincoln

Monday, September 21, 2009

Cheez Whiz should be illegal

I don't have much to say. I have no desire to comment on current events. I have nothing much personally to report. The highlight of my month was making Pickles on Friday night. I'm not even being sarcastic. It was super fun and nice to get out and talk to people who aren't related to me (or lounging in my bed ;)) Thanks girls!!
My plan for the afternoon was to make oatcakes, but I couldn't find the recipe so I ate ice cream in bed and watched Mariah Carey on Oprah. She kinda sucks no? I mean I dig some of her songs but as a person/in interviews she's not my fav. Its funny after all these years you think she could fake it a bit better. I mean she fakes everything else right? (to avoid confusion I was watching the 2pm showing which is actually Friday's episode - just in case you get all stoked for Mariah - today it's about the 60's) Speaking of TV...I have watched every episode up to #9 of True Blood. I'm annoyed as I know the season finale was last week and I am going to have to wait until Nate gets home to watch the next 5 episodes. On a high note it occurred to me last night that Rehab might have high speed. That's boss. I then can maybe DL em myself. I actually called Freddy today (Rehab location) and was informed to bring a bathing suit. Hilarious. Fingers are crossed for a hot tub. I am bringing my own sheets. I might pretend this is a vacation just for kicks.
This made me laugh earlier - I never open forwards but when the subject is titled "Hales Don't Delete!" I pause.

Here goes: (it's a joke people)

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab and then the still shaking driver said "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me" The frightened passenger apologised to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied "No, no, I'm sorry It's entirely my fault. "Today is my first day driving a cab..............
I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years"

Props to you Sam :)

Friday, September 18, 2009

A Prada dress has never broke my heart before...

The thing about dial up is that it SUCKS. I am willing to wait for 20 minutes for pages to load because yes, I am a die hard Shopper. (I obviously can't go to the mall) I plan outfits at night when I can't sleep. Portland is my Disney World. I love fashion. It hurts me that I only wear sweaties these days, but I actually love them too. (I have 23 pairs of pyjama's, 14 pairs of sweat pants and 7 sets of 'yogi uni's' not to mention the hoodies!) Anyway. I think these boots are just fantastic. I saw them in September's issue of Marie Claire. They come in Suede or Leather. The snaps allow the boots to fold down so they go below your knee. These just make my day, and that's all I gotta say. (For some reason I couldn't post the link but for reference

Our sister boot to the TRIPIN. Still hip, edgy and ultra-chic. Semi-rounded toe, low hidden sliver wedge heel, however these have metallic button snaps and a smooth shaft, no mid calf seem. Wear them cuffed or thigh high, these boots are sure to be this seasons crowd pleasers. Suede and Leather uppers. Padded cushioned footbed. Balance manmade. Shaft height 21”, circumference 15” at calf. Approx. 1 inch" heel.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Dolla Dolla Bills Y'allll...

Financial Institutions make me nervous. I fake confidence - and have actually done my 'money home work'- but none the less - I get a bit sweaty sitting across from my 'advisor'. I suppose it doesn't help that I think she's a stuffy mad cow (and no I am not naming names)

Recently I decided to switch banks. Mortgage and all. My Dad (I know it always seems to come back to my parents these days) loves his bank. He goes in to 'just chat' monthly - I assume for productive reasons, but I'm not sure. Anyhow, it was him that told me to go in and see what they could offer.

This is a small branch (again I'm not naming names...) There is the Manager (Dad's BFF), this beautiful Adrien Grenier look a like, a Soccer Mom, and...the Mad Cow. I mean there are probably more employees right, but they seem to be the ones with an office. I get that I'm small beans - new cheese you might say....but...Ughh...

The funny thing is, is that I had a run in with 'the cow' about five years ago when I was getting rates for a line of credit. (To clarify this older woman may be considered to some attractive and I have nicknamed her a smelly dumb farm animal only because she simply sucks) Pre tanning beds, I did look very young, and I can sometimes come across a bit... scatterbrained. She basically brushed me off and I huffed out of her office straight into the arms of the grocery store. (Cookies & Banking? - perfect!) So upon our reunion (2 months ago) I smirked right out loud (SROL!) when she told me how much she would 'appreciate my business' and how I should be proud of my 'credit score' and 'investments' (toot toot!) Yeah, I'm sure it has nothing to do with my Dad being BFF's with the manager you slimy fake meanie. She talked down to me the entire time - it was over the top phony, buuuut wouldn't ya know she gave me the best rate?! This is after telling me how much she 'loved my nails' and how 'smart' my Father' is. (Are you effin kidding me?!) Anyway, there are more gory details but these are all I have the patience for.

So I wheeled in yesterday. The moon boot was in full effect. She offered me a coffee. I politely declined (I actually wanted a cup somethin fierce, but I told her the caffeine doesn't mix well with my narcotics) she just did a tight lipped half smile in response to my weak attempt at humor. (MOOOOOOO!). She pulled every sleezy sales move ever. She tried to go back on my fixed rate - quoted me higher- told me she never offers rates that low (hmm too bad I had the printed email evidence in hand), she also fumbled around on some other promises. To say I was getting sweaty was an understatement. I wanted to barf all over her. We had many phone conversations. I got my ass outta bed this morning to come do signing and she was changing the story on me. Jesus. Play me the handi card at least. I politely and very calmly told her that it was an extreme effort for me to come in this morning and I understood that these details she had guaranteed - I had it in writing and she was trying to tell me no dice?! She didn't back down. So I told her I have other options - thanks anyway scum bag.

Wheeled out. Fuming. I declined a Big Mac (yes, that pissed - well wait, to clarify I had a Happy Meal) and spilled the story. Dad was supportive, but I was kinda hoping he would step in and...sorta... rescue me? (Aw, I am such a loser) Anyway he didn't. So moving on....

She called my cell. We were still in the area so we went back over. Long story short she hooked me up. I am very happy. Even happier that my Dad didn't pull any moves. Not so happy she referred to me as 'Sweetheart' upon the signing but I'll chose my battles.

PS. My Dad really IS the smartest guy I know :)

PPS. I am very sorry that this couldn't end with me and Adrien Grenier's twin hooking up at the ATM. Stay tuned. Ya never know.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Bootscootin' Boogie

Oh week 7. It feels more like 17 at this point and my patience is wearing thin. I went to Kingston's local pub on Friday night. That was interesting. The chicken fingers were above average - fries were of the McCain crinkle cut variety, but I ain't complainin'. The bartender gave me a double. Considering I was the only one there with a full set of teeth it may have been a 'sex me' move but I'm pretty sure it was out of pity. None the less, I mixed it with the Delotted and felt pretty darn good. I dig country livin don't get me wrong. It was almost charming. I would have realllllly had a good time with a couple more pity doubles but I didn't want to embarrass myself. The entire city of Saint John may know of my antics, but I figure why ruin my 'classy city girl' image for the country folk? (Plus, the bartender had a mullet) Somewhere in between"God Bless Texas" and the 15 year old romeo offering me a smoke I decided it was time to call er a night. Dad drove me home. Awesome.

Friday, September 11, 2009 that a Banjo I hear?!

The weather in Kingston is the closest thing to God I have ever experienced. Maybe this is the wrong comparison, considering God and I aren't exactly BFF's, but I think you catch my drift.

Every morning (around 10:3o suckas!) I wake up to glorious sunshine - the birds actually sing here! - smelling the most deeewishus dark- roast- liquid- crack you can imagine. If I wasn't so gimped out (and living with my parents) life would be perfect.

Yesterday was such a morning. I was sitting on the deck in my 'fleecy jams', coffee in hand, browsing the Telegraph Journal (I shit you not Tiff - it wasn't even the Horoscopes!) when I saw him.

Now before I continue, below is a brief run down on what you need to know (most of you know anyway, but for you huge creeps of course)

1. My parents are animal LOVERS
2. We are NOT a hunting family
3. My parents are NOT secretly Brother and Sister
4. My Mother HATES Squirrels.
5. My Mother HATES Squirrels because: "They poop all over the deck, eat all the cat food and tease the poooor dog" (Mmmhmmm)
6. My Mother, contrary to how it may seem, is very loving, kind and at least half sane.
7. My reckless (and sometimes violent) brother left his BeeBee Gun in my Fathers possession.

So anyway..."he" was standing right beside the BBQ. I smiled. I thought he was adorable. We might have even been flirting (it's been EIGHT weeks gimme a break) Unfortunately my mother saw him as she came out with a coffee re fill. Her gasp actually made me jump as she yelled for my Father. You would think this would startle the little guy. Had I known what was going to happen next I certainly would have made an effort. I look over and there is my Dad with the loaded Bee Bee Gun.

Me: (high pitch whisper/shock/I'm gonna piss my pants voice) "Holy Shit are you gonna shooooot him?!!" (I might also add we are NOT a swearing family)

Dad: (low whisper/strangely serious) "Don't Move Hale"

Oh -- BEST PART --He was telling me "not to move" because he had the FUCKING GUN stuck in between the bars on my WALKER (I swear to God, Jebus and Mary this is true) It's hard to explain, but lets just say that if I flinched (and of course this is LIKELY) my poor already mangled leg would have been in the line of fire. I plugged my ears and shut my eyes.

P O W !

Mom: (pure elation) " Gar, you got him, you got him!!!!!!"

I think I forgot to mention that this was on the back deck - We are about 20 feet off the ground. The poor thing literally BLEW off the edge plummeting to his bloody death.

Me: (high pitched squeal/still pissing my pants) "You really shot him?!, You just SHOT THE SQUIRREL?!"

Mom: (elation mixed with crazy?) "Good shot Gar!! Good riddance you dirty rat!!"

Me: (blinking) ...............

Dad scurried down to ensure the "dirty rat" was dead and not suffering (how kind) and Mom just filled my coffee cup, pretty much like nothing happened.

Just a regular day on the K-Penny.

I didn't post this yesterday because I thought it might be a bit... over the line? However, I couldn't help myself when this morning - again on the deck - my Father admitted he had a nightmare about the deceased squirrel (and he will never ever do that again) Besides the obvious hilarity that a 59 year old man is having nightmares about a defenceless squirrel, it made me realize that my brother may not have been adopted after all.

Dad: "Don't tell your brother I used his Bee Bee Gun"

Me: "Too late dude"

Dad: "Well don't tell anyone else OK?"

Me: "No worries, I love you even if you murdered a baby squirrel in Mom's honor"

Dad: "You, Haley Pale are quite a girl"

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Selfish jerks do NOT finish first

Road-Ragers piss me off. Calm the frick down. Do you really think you are THAT important? I am sure McAllistar will still be there sweetheart. Pretty sure the Iceburg will still be open too. Oh, and your super important day job? I'm nearly certain no one likes you there anyway.

Funny how some get it and others really just don't. We all have our moments. I've grumbled in the Shoppers line towin Tampons and chocolate, texted at inappropriate times, even murmured the occasional curse at an incompetent-you almost just killed me-driver.

I consider myself to be a highly social person. I love nothing more than to 'people watch' and guess what they are thinking (or even just what color their underwear is) In saying that, I've come to realize, nothing matters more than simple manners - and I'm not talking about what fork to use with the salad. Common Courtesy will get you father than money, looks, or that PhD ever will. Think about it. We all know (deep down) Money really doesn't buy long term happiness, that pretty face is gonna fade, and if you have spent your life only giving a shiz about you then I hope you'll be happy alone. Oh wait, you might not be completely alone -just surrounded by other self absorbed bum lickers.

Growing up we were taught that we are all individuals. Speak your mind, You alone can take over the world! I think this is great, but somewhere along the line we forgot that it's not cool to trample over others in the process. (Why do you think you see all those anti-bullying commercials all the time now?!) Please and Thank yous are only used at Toy's R Us (or sometimes when I'm shopping with my Mother and I really really need those red boots) and since when is it ok for small children to call "adults" by their first name? Some scoff at this. How old fashioned. I don't think so. I think it instills a respect that has been long forgotten.

Ever notice how "rude" people are generally miserable? If they are not inadvertently talking themselves up, they are complaining about how terrible their day was due to being surrounded by 'idiots'. Hmmm. I'm pretty sure we've all read the Secret so I'm not gonna ramble on that you get what you give (and all that new age bull shit) but have you ever thought that maybe the reason the waitress was less than a 'ray of sunshine' was because you barely made eye contact and complained (like it was her fault) your frickin fries were under cooked, all the while talking on your cell phone?!

So next time you roll your eyes at the 'stupid' cashier for taking too long at Sobey's, Flip the bird to that 'ass hole' in front of you, or put your dirty used tea bag in the recycle bin - Think about it.

READ: Choosing Civility: The 25 Rules of Considerate Conduct, by: Dr. P.M. Forni.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Take a hint from Mista LOVA....

So it occurred to me last night that my parents are actually way cooler than I am.

I was talking to my brother, on the phone, when he was like: "What the hell is going on over there?!" Well, it was my Mom & Dad (on a Monday night no less) rippin it up. The wine & App's were flowin, the music pumpin and half of the 'Penny was rockin out. They party 5 nights out of the week. I kid you not. It was a strange revelation for my brother and I. We have graciously stepped down. In a way it gives me hope that life really doesn't end at 30. They are 59.

After falling asleep to the TV while my parents partied on, I woke up early to Dad whistling and chit chatting with Earl(e). I checked my phone and it was 7:30AM. Apparently after 30 you don't get hang overs. Amazing. I hop in the shower and crank some tunes circa 1998. What happened next, I am making a mental note, to never have my own children witness. I was brushing my teeth (this is at one of those open concept sinks that sits beside the kitchen) When I heard my Father singing along to my Dance Mix '98.

Mom: "Gar you want tomato on your toast?" (I know, WTF?)

Dad: "Girl, you too conservative, and that ain't how I wanna live"

ok ok ok, For those of you not in the know, this is a line from "Freaky Girl" by Shaggy - that of course was playing when I was in the shower.

Mom: " What?!"

Dad: "So take a hint from Mista Lova"

Mom: "Garrrry"

On that note, I must end this.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Shake yer Booty Phat Grrrl (Reeeeeeemix)

Ohhh how I love a good REMIX. These tunes (of the week) may cause involuntary dancin in the grocery store, gym, doctors office, my kitchen sink..........LOVE. Ps. The first person to DL this list and update my I-Pod gets major friend points - C'mon hook a slow speeder up....

Take you There (Remix) - Donnie Klang Ft. P Diddy

Boyfriend #2 (Remix) - Pleasure P/Flo Rida

Freak Show - R. Kelly

Girls Kiss Girls - Pittsburgh Slim

Hey Ya! - Outkast (oldie but always a goodie)

I'm in Miami Bitch - LMFAO

Money Jane - Baby Blue Soundcrew feat. Kardinal, Sean Paul, Jully Black

Face Drop - Sean Kingston

Entourage (Remix) - Omarion feat 50cent

Shewolf - Shakira

Wobble - V. I. C.

Turn My Swag on (Remix) - Soulja Boy ft. Lil Wayne, Jim Jones, Maino, and Jadakiss

She's Happy - Auburn

Get your Money Up - Keri Hilson/Keyshia Cole

Evacuate the Dance Floor - Cascada

Swing - Savage

Overtime - Ace Hood Feat. T-Pain & Akon

I don't need it - Jamie Foxx feat. Timba

Digital Girl (Remix) - Jamie Foxx feat Drake, The Dream & Kayne

Walkin on the Moon - The Dream feat. Kanye West

Hi Hater - (Remix) Maino, T.I., Swizzy, Plies, Jadakiss, Fabolous

Patron Tequila -Paradiso Girls

Birthday Sex (Remix) -Jeremih

I.E. - In Essence

Everyday -Kardinal Offishal

G-Get up and Dance -Faber Drive

Run this Town - Jay Z feat. Rihanna & Kayne West

(Defence) The Anthem (Remix) - Pitbull/Lil Jon

Obsessed (Remix) - Mariah Carey

Who's Real - Jadakiss/Swizz Beatz

Supplier - Shawty LoTrey Songz

Fireburnin (Remix) Sean Kingston feat. Pitbull

Ego - (Remix) Beyonce feat Kayne West

Get Up - Ciara

Be Easy (REMIX) - Massari

Million Bucks - Maino feat. Swizz Beats

Sean Paul - So fine

Whats your name -Usher/Will.I.Am

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Sunday thoughts for you Sinners

Sometimes I like lists:

1. How is it that every month Cosmo comes out with 125 ALL NEW (try if you dare!!) Sex Tricks? Is this fact Cosmo?

2. Toasted banana bread is super yummy.

3. Is it really upper hand when you end up alone?

4. Fall shopping makes me giddy.

5. Maybe we all need to take a deep breath, smile and be happy with what we have already.

6. Whats up with Organic Cigarettes?!

7. Even with nothing to do I find myself procrastinating. Mad Skills.

8. I truly believe Earley (the dog) can read my mind.

9. I did the Activia 14 day challenge and it might of changed my life.

10. I think I heard my Dad fall out of the Tub last night. I laughed my head off, felt bad, then laughed harder.

11. Sometimes you just need to cry it out, no matter how big or small the issue may be.

12. This morning I had a Java Moose -Fog Horn Fine Blend Black- that my Dad brewed in his Tim Hortons coffee maker. It was fantastic.

13. I always order a Diet Coke with my Big Mac Combo. (with super sized fries and extra McChicken Sauce) I would say that I like the taste better, but that would be a lie.

14. My heel smells funny, but I kinda like it.

15. I hope everyone is lucky enough to have the kind of friends I do.

16. I might of googled our Prime Minister last week.

17. Crush up an Aspirin, mix it with a bit of water (or spit) put it on any blemishes and wake up clear (and alone)

18. #17 really works.

19. I am convinced that people who type "LOL" are never really LOL'ing and people who type "LMAO" just feel sorry for you annnd people who type "ROTFLMAO" are....just losers.

20. Sometimes a Blow Job is just a Blow Job. Cosmo you suck. No pun intended

Friday, September 4, 2009

Funny the way is,not right or wrong, somebody's heart is broken and it becomes your favorite song...

I wanna be in Washington, Gorgin in George this weekend (with all the cool kids!) If I could stomp my foot I would. Boo. I can't even talk about it. I was also gonna post some good DMB links but dial up SOOKS. This has got me all flapped up. I'm gonna go lay on the deck and listen to Warehouse on repeat until I am drunk on my parents beer.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

This sure beats the belt ladies...

Warning: The following content may not be suitable for all family members.

This may be the best thing since Depo!!!

Guess what you're all gettin for Christmas?!

Dirty Rant

I gotta get something off my chest. I just don't get it. I try to be an understanding/empathetic/non judgemental human being, I really do. (Really, Really!)

But here's the deal: Whats up with dudes who SPIT?!! To me, this is the equivalent of shooting snot out of your nose and letting it run down your face. (In public, cause of course when you are alone, it would be completely acceptable...haa)

I have heard all the excuses:


2. I have a bad taste in my mouth - WOW, chew a piece of gum, or better yet BRUSH YO TEETH YOU DIRTY, DIRTY HUMAN!

3. I am trying to quit smoking. Ok and what, take up SPITTING?!

4. It's actually chewing tobacco - Wow, you are a REAL LOSER. Last time I checked it wasn't 1965.

5. It's just a bad habit. I have a bad habit of picking my noes, and guess what? I do it only when absolutely, positively A L O N E.


Oh, and It is just as rude when you spit in the kitchen sink. Actually, maybe worse. I wash my apples and eating utensils in THAT sink you just spit/hockered in!(Don't even get me started on the "HOCKER")

You would ASSUME such rudeness would be the result of a poor upbringing or a person of a lower economic class. I always ASSUME this. However I have seen so called "high class" goofballs spit out the window of their Mom's Audi. Instant turn off. I will ride the bus alone for the rest of my life before holding hands with you. You dirty, dirty dude should be ashamed.

Before this gets outta hand I am gonna go meditate (and eat some peanut butter M&M's)

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Don't hate cause I'm hotter than you...

For as long as I can remember I have been a product junkie. A trip to Shoppers Drug Mart is like the most delicious high -it leaves me trippin for hours. To say I have tried every beauty product in Atlantic Canada is hardly an exaggeration. I have even broadened my horizons with online shopping. Have you ever wondered if "La Mer" is really worth the coin? It set me back approx. $140 for a 1 oz. Tub .To my disappointment, I didn't wake up looking like Beyonce. I actually woke up sobbing that I was now a poor, greasy, SUCKER.

So girls (and my metro boys) I thought I'd save you some time and money. Trust me - These products will NOT disappoint. I simply love them!

There are some things I can't live without. We all have quirky OCD like routines (or it might be
just me) but none the less, I am addicted to teeth whitening. Some call it: White-o-rexia, but whatev. Again, I have tried it all. The best of the best as far as price, convenience and POW! fantastical white chompers are: Crest Daily Whitening Strips. I put em on in the morning post coffee while I am in the shower and faster than I can wash my hair and shave my legs (these babies work in FIVE MINUTES) It's done. You'll be smiling all day!

Tweezers, Pluckers, Yankers, Torture Device...whatever you call em...I am shocked at the amount of people that don't use them. I am obsessive. I love a good tweeze. Sick maybe, but to me you need no eye make up when you have good brows. My secret mantra: Messy Brows = Messy Bush. Enough said. These ones are worth the money. They get the hair EVERY time and you will never prick your skin by mistake. They are a bit pricey (approx $30) but seriously this will be the last pair you buy. They also come in fun colors! Tweezerman Just do it bitches.

Ok, so my skin sorta never grew up. I'm like a hormonal 15 year old. I have tried, Murad, Proactive, NuSkin, Prescription Ointments, EVERY SINGLE BOTTLE you can buy at shoppers and NOTHING has compared to: Clinique 3 step Acne Solution. It is FANTASTIC. My skin isn't perfect but it is the closest to "normal" I have ever experienced. Don't whine about the price (approx $80 for the facial soap, toner and cream) think of all the crap that just ends up going to waste in your medicine cabinet. I never wear foundation any more! It is a bit cheaper to actually get the "bar soap" it lasts way longer than the pump, you get a pretty soap dish and it is EXCELLENT to use on your body after whatever makes you sweaty...

I have a closet full of half empty bottles of Shampoo and Conditioner. I have spend rid-dam-diculous amounts on shit I rinse down the drain. Redken, Biolage, Matrix, Schwarzcolf, John Freida, Bedhead, Joico, Nexxus, Rusk...on and on and onnn....but I keep goin back to Pantene. Yup, it's true. Makes my hair silky, light and smells so fresh and yummy...and under 5 bones.

While we are on the topic of hair...(this is #3 on my list of beauty obsessions) You gotta deep condition weekly. I mean if you want "crunchy Blvd." hair then don't. Just sayin. I actually buy Natural Instincts Hair Dye for the Weekly Color Treat Conditioner. It's INSANE. The hair dye is only $10 and you would spend way more than that in a salon for conditioner anyway. Smells like coconut mixed with a bit of fresh air. Slap er on for 30 minutes on Sunday and you'll make everyone jealous all week (I couldn't find an actual picture of the conditioner but its this box)

If you only buy ONE hair product this year make this it: Moroccan Oil. (You have to get it at a Salon) THIS SHIT IS BANANAS! It is a leave in treatment/damage protector/slammin shiner/make your hair smell like vacation sex all in one bottle. It is AMAZING. Works on all kinds of hair, it will not weigh it down, and it makes your hair look simply SIC. Its about $30 per bottle, but it has many uses. I slather it on my body sometimes cause it smells THAT good. If you don't believe me Google it girls. Better yet, come visit me and I'll let you test it out.

I'm not much of a morning person and this body wash wakes me up (in more ways than one) It smells like the fresh spearmint, actually tingles (yes tingles....) has the best lather, keeps you "just soft enough" and even doubles as a shampoo. My dude friends love it. I love it. Everyone is happy. You gotta hit up Bath and Body Works - but we all do anyway - CO Bigalow Mentha Body Wash.

I have used body oil in place of "cream" for years. I used to think my mom was weird, nope just GENIUS. It's NOT greasy or Oily! When you are still a bit damp from the shower (I keep mine right in the tub) just slather it on and get out (carefully cause its makes things a bit slippy!) It sinks in and makes you feel like BUTTA. It also gives you a bit of a sheen. Super Sexy. Neutrogena light Sesame Oil is my favorite. I have converted hundreds (ok maybe 10) and they are never goin back. You can pour some in your bath and soak in it too. Listen, the Sesame does smell a bit sandalwoody. I dig it. If you don't my second fav is Johnson's Baby Oil with Aloe. Personally I like smellin a bit woodsy in comparison to baby bum, but to each his own.

I'm pretty lazy. I'm also a tanning bed survivor. Olay Definity Color Recapture makes me feel 19 again. It's an anti aging moisturizer with lots of good vitamins and stuff to revive your abused skin. (SPF too!) It also has a touch of foundation to cover minor imperfections. So you get your SPF, Day cream and Foundation all in one. Wicked.

Vaseline. Do you know how great it really is? In the baby isle you can actually get mini's that go in your purse. I use it on my eyelashes -adds a bit of shine and darkens them up a bit plus moisturizes -instead of mascara through the week. You add a bit of loose eyeshadow to it and it makes smokey eyes, add it to a bit of blush to make a pretty lip stain, in the winter put it on at night around my dry eyes and nail cuticles, not to mention it is great on chapped lips and noses. All that for under 2 bones and a mini tub will last you years! C'mon yo...

I am not a fan of body hair. Venus Breeze Blades (no I am not gonna say makes shaving a breeeze but I kinda wanna) 4 blades, 2 moisture strips, surrounded by built in shaving cream bars that lather your skin pre blade. It really has cut my shaving time in half. Whats cool about these ones are that once the shaving bars are gone the blades are still sharp. Sooo just slap on some of that cheap Pantene conditioner (you'll never buy shaving cream again) and voila. Another Bonus is that the blades will hook on to whatever old Gillette razor you have. Smooth.

Soul Food

Have you ever had the kind of meal that makes you so feel so satisfied you could just curl up and die a happy, fulfilled person?

I just had one of "those meals" and if it wasn't for my mangled cankle/mutant foot I would do the running man to a JT track.

So what was it?

A juicy, BBQ'd with love, hamburger, with real cheddar cheese, a fluffy sesame seed lightly toasted bun, with some buttery HELLMAN'S, a tiny bit of ketchup, iceberg lettuce and a very thinly sliced tomato. Washed it all down with some 1% chocolate milk and two Ginger Sparkle cookies. (To note, it was eaten on the deck breathing in the cool fall air listening to some new Paulo Nutini)

Ahhhh, who needs therapy? My parents house isn't that bad after all.

That's all I have to say. Really.