Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Hate-orade, Hate-cation, Hate-ville, Hate-isms.

My attitude has taken a wrong turn.

I usually can get myself back to my "happy place" in a matter of minutes, hours, or sometimes it takes a few days - but I have been in a bad way for a few weeks now. I don't know how people live like this - It's terrible. Depressed might be too strong of a word, but this is a definite funk that I'm not down with. I'm almost happy that the weather has been brutes because being miserable in the sunshine (especially in Saint John) is like wearing pantyhose 2 sizes too small. Fucking tragic.

My grumbly mumbles, cranky pants, and jump-out-the-window-itus, is a bit of a downer - yes, however! Lets make the best of this little shiteroo and take some time to make fun of others not as awesome as the rest of us shall we?

This is what I hate about others and the world in general - this week:

1. Over-ly Cheery "Morning People" - I'm happy you CLEARLY got laid a mere hour ago, but I think you can tell, from my forced smurk, that I didn't. So really, just lock it up already and let me get my coffee in peace.

2. People who honk at my best friend for stalling her boyfriends standard - that she never drives. If you had half of a brain (in your Mother's Sunfire) you would realize she didn't PURPOSELY "stall" in the middle of the busy intersection. You, honking your horn, like a rude and ignorant prick, isn't going to get the car in gear AND it only confirms for everyone (with three quarters of a brain) that your mother owns your balls and you have little to no, dick. Pardon me.

3. Arrogant old ladies who refer to getting engaged as "getting your diamond" - that burns me a bit. No offence to my engaged and married friends, but it's not like you EARNED it. Like getting your degree for example (I didn't earn one of those either) It's like you are in a higher class because you "Got your diamond" Shouldn't it be about two people wanting to make a commitment to each other? I like how no one really supports that any more...and so I digress.

4. People who can only be happy if they "got a deal" or people who have to justify buying things because they were "on sale" or people who think they are SO CLEVER because they paid less than you. I am all over Tooney Tuesday and the BoGo's right, but come on people! Get a life. Sometimes pinching pennies and looking for the best deal sucks the fun right out of the situation. People don't care that you saved 14 cents on the chicken at the Superstore. I for one, ESPECIALLY DON'T CARE. Oh and here is another thing - if you buy me a present from the dollar store as an adult - and think I don't know it came from the dollar store - you are sorely mistaken.

5. People who like to tell me how many calories and fat grams are in carrot cake when I am trying to enjoy it. I mean, REALLY?

6. People who get all bent out of shape over "titles" and speaking to certain people differently depending on their "professional status" - last time I checked we all poop. I speak to the janitor the same way I speak to the CEO. I might not tell the same stories of course, but I don't reserve special "tone" for anyone. I can't believe this still goes on - but it does, and it's stupid and often creepy.

7. Middle aged men who feel the need to comment on my fashion choices. Your wife has to pick out your underwear in the morning. You know NOTHING about the art of "mis matching-matching" So do me a favour and go back to doing what you are good at - whatever that happens to be.

8. I hate that when all is said and done my Mother always ends up being right. Being the lovely and graceful woman she is - never throws it back in my face - I might hate that even more, because sometimes I deserve it.

9. I HATE people who feel the need to put in their "two cents" on everything. Things most of the time, they know nothing about. People, that always want to "one up" you, people who always want the "last word" Ugh. Fuck off already. OH, and I hate parents who yack on about how their ADULT children are the second coming of Christ. This is only acceptable with pre-schoolers. I mean, I actually KNOW your "kids" - who are you kidding? They are as fucked up as I am, and trust me are not perfect.

10. I hate smokers who think non smokers are stuck up, I hate those plastic baby stroller covers, I hate people who get visibly annoyed in the long line at the grocery store, I hate people that walk super close behind you and don't just pass, I hate people who rev their engines at stop lights, I hate june bugs, I HATE people who only speak to hear their own voices, I hate having to budget, I HATE people who just say what they think YOU want to hear ALL THE TIME, I hate that I haven't done laundry in 3 weeks.

Night Night!

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Are you there NJDP? It's me...Hales.

"I think the reason ya still ain't married is cause you make the worst dang coffee I've ever tasted darlin" - Grampie Pollock

That among other things Grampie.

My Grampie always reminds me of my brother.

I need my brother to come home. I need him to come home, like, RIGHT NOW.

I can't handle my wonderful wacky-wonk-ball family any longer without him.

I can't survive another day not lunching on his delicious food creations.

I can't handle not having the best movies and HBO shows on demand.

I can't handle not laughing until I cry, then snort, then fall over because he is THE funniest A-hole on the entire planet.

I can't handle not having him here to "knock the teeth outta" anyone who even looks at me side ways.

I hope he is reading this right now and feeling like a HUGE GAY LORD FOCKER for not calling me back today after I left 14 sing-song-rap voice mails. WTF Nate Dogg?! I gotta rap to stay relevant betch!

I need your bad attitude around - it keeps me level.

I need you to stain my deck.

I need you to piggy back me around when I get tired and sweaty.

I need you to make me some brownies.

I need to see you dance around with Mom in the Kitchen. You make her smile in a way that no one else can.

I need for you tell me the truth.

I need for you to teach me how to drive a standard now that my left toes don't work.

I need you to "knock the teeth outta" my neighbor.

I need you to be the "caring one" because right now I just don't have it in me. Lets face it, you ARE the caring one.

I need to hear you say "WHAT THE FUCK GARY" to our wonderful father (who's idea of swearing is "Cripes Kate") when he fills the dishwasher wrong.

I need you to listen to me ramble in my super-uper fast stress voice and then JUST when I think you aren't listening anymore to say "Keep goin lips"

I need for you to fix my laptop that I gummed up with I dunno what.

I need for you to be my human GPS and to grab the wheel when I almost die - every time I drive.

I need for you to cook Thanksgiving dinner this year because Mom is threatening to have it at my house.

I need you here to tell me that Saint John is "backwards" and that no one out west even THINKS about marriage until 30.

I need you to tell Grampie to choke on his false teeth and that my coffee isn't that bad.

I need for you to sing Fleetwood Mac songs with me when I'm sad.

I need for you to come home so that I can sleep again.

It's time jerk face. Really.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Chunky Monkeys Make More Love

Soooo I spent the entire month of May eating Carrot Cake -BATHING- more like it, in deliciously orgasmic cream cheese icing. One week, I went to the same restaurant THREE times - I told the owner I was on a binge.

Now that we are moving into June, none of my clothes fit, but I don't mind.

Honestly, Girls who eat dessert DO have more fun.

Don't get me wrong, I believe in maintaining a certain level of, ahem, fitness - but sometimes you just need a lot of cake. Some girls deny this fact. Boys never deny the need for wings. So why the fuck are we denying the need for cake? "Yoga" pants were not invented for stretching my friends - they were invented for cake binges. I'm up 15 pounds. 15 pounds of PURE LOVE. In a four week span - obscene maybe? - but truly I have had more "Ah Ha Moments" (all hail the church of Oprah) this month than I have had in the past 5 years. In between bathing (in orgasmic cream cheese)
I believe I am coming into the summer a more enlightened person.

First of all...I refuse to surround myself with people who do any less than force me to be a better person. People who bring out the best in me (and vice verse) Sometimes, it's easier to focus on others issues rather than face our own. Sometimes, you try SO hard to fix other peoples problems that you forget this is an impossible task. Sometimes, you just need to take a deep breath and realize you are not a bad person for removing yourself from situations that bring you down.

Second of all, I'm generally not a modest person. Naked Sunday's are part of my religion. What I find interesting, is I actually feel more confident a bit fluffy. When you are not so consumed with having a flat stomach you can do some actual thinking that doesn't involve "Does my ass look fat in this?" Really, I have had the best sex of my life rollin chunky. I don't care who doesn't want to hear that. Self confidence and just accepting things as they are is very powerful thing.

I was watching Piers Morgan the other night - he said, and I quote:

"No man I know likes skinny women. Women get skinny for other women. I say every woman should gain 7 pounds. They would be much happier. Happiness equals more sex. Chunk up and get laid ladies"

Please note, he did say 7 pounds, not 15! but who's counting.

I'm so over the nasty skinny girl syndrome. Come on girls! we are smarter than this. We have more going for us than the size of our jeggings. I don't want to talk about diets, calories or who is hotter than who anymore. I want to talk about things that matter.

Again, I do believe in physical fitness and leading a generally healthy life style. I am in no way saying to eat carrot cake, get fat and get fucked.(excuse me) I'm just saying the constant diet talk gets really old. Not to mention, NO ONE CARES.

Maybe that is why the cake binge began. It was proving to myself that it's ok. No one ever died from consuming too much carrot cake. I'm an intelligent woman. If I'm feeling a tad emotional and only cake will do, then I'm gonna say to hell with It and rock my yoga pants for a while. Spinach will always be in the fridge waiting.

Oh, and in efforts to not waste my delicious May adventure - Here is, in my opinion, the top 5 cake locations in Saint John.

5. The Superstores "Ultimate Carrot Cake" -Note NOT the smaller square version (for some reason that one is not nearly as delish) I mean the REAL CAKE in the display counter...its a double layer and REALLY GOOD.

4. Starbucks Mini Carrot Cake Cupcakes. Cute and fabulous.

3. Urban Deli -- this cake actually has cream cheese marbled through the cake. It is an amazing dessert experience.

2. Britts -- This cake wins for the BEST ICING.

1. Opera Bistro -- This is by FAR my ultimate favorite. It is a FIVE layer. The toasted nuts make me cry. Tell Marg I sent you - it's ridiculous yumzzie.

In closing, I do intend on cutting back a bit on the cake - but I will enjoy it when I feel the need. We control our own feelings, our own happiness and our own lives.

Let's make the best of it.