Friday, January 21, 2011


A snow-cation on a Friday is alright I guess hey? (24 days until HP saucy crazyballz spring!)

Bikini-Bootcamp has commenced. Day two - Brutes. No sugar/No Flour/No Booze. Super Brutes. I'm not going to whine or complain. Looking good for "the average" is hard work! Getting "old" is a bit of a downer in the appearance department. The "radiance" doesn't come so easily...Speaking of that, not to be a huge bitch-face, but I wish all you "January Gym Go-ers" would do us alllll a favor and just go HOME. It was reallllly annoying, last night, when I had to wait for a cardio machine. I had a nail appointment to get to god dammit! I know this IS really bitchy (I didn't really have a nail appointment - that's tomorrow - ha ha - no really) I realize am the last person who should be complaining. Considering I have spent the better part of this month BALLS OUT EMO binging on ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING. I think resolutions can be a positive self upper! no matter how ridiculous and phony baloney! Howevs, it IS a bit embarrassing for human-kind yes? I wouldn't join a gym in January on hurtin unit principle alone. Walk around the block at 6am (it'll be dark so no one will see your puffy shamed face)write in gratitude journal all you want, but please don't take my elliptical you January gym goer!

**all those "I's" in there were not a poor grammar accident. I also assume it is completely obvi I could give a shizzle about "run on sentences"**

I should add - My "Bikini-Bootcamp" has NOTHING to do with the month. It also really doesn't have (that) much to do with a bikini. My work-place is having a "weight loss challenge" Sweet dirty Cashola is involved. I CAN NOT pass up free money. A skinnier ass is just a bonus. It is based on percentage - mostly donut eating middle aged men are involved - ahh victory will be sweet. I may or may not have spent the week before gaining as much weight as humanly possible (8lbs of pure joy bitches!) you know, to have the highest "start weight" I also may or may not HATE my life, for the next 2 months, all for 400 bones. Meih. A competition is a competition. Why focus on why you get paid - your actual JOB - when you can maliciously con your work mates into getting fatter?!?!!

While on the topic of Bikini's....I did receive a 40% off coupon in the mail this week for...wait for removal. Oh, tramp stamp Why? I'm just not sure I trust a chick fresh outta beauty school with a tazer. Then again, I trusted a strung out fully inked and pierced dude to mutilate my body...but that was 10 years ago. PLUS is a lower back scar actually worse than the actual stamp? Maybe I should just own the ink. Free pass to tramp it up. I got a stamp sweetheart - Ima VIP. Researching Removal ASAP.

Yeah, I get Microdermabrasion and Laser hair removal too. Fuck you low maintenance girls! I'm calling bullshit on all of you. I just did a re read and realized how ridiculous this all sounds....I understand there are bigger problems in the world. I just don't want to blog about them. Isn't that what CNN is for? ;)

Happy no sugar/no flour/no booze weekend!

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Lockin Lipz

Do you remember the best kisser you have ever kissed?

Sometimes a kiss is just a kiss, and then there is a KISS. Like the kind that makes you remember why you get up in the morning - and brush your teeth as a matter of fact.

There are the first nervous kisses. Like the ones where you are barely dating the person and you literally feel 12 years old again. It's like you forget how to breathe and keep choking on your curiously strong breath mint. All you can do is pray he doesn't swallow your face or choke you out with his tongue. Or even worse pull out the "Nana" - aka Bum-hole lips. I always laugh when that happens and then things get awkward pretty fast.

Then there are the sloppy "I've had a few too many Margarita's" kinda Kisses. This usually happens at drinking establishments, beach parties, or places really inappropriate when you are not, ahem, 19 anymore. I of course, have never experienced one of those kinds. However, I hear they are pretty much all the same due to the fact your lips are actually numb and you don't really give a flying fuck because SOME HOW you are wearing these really cute beer goggles that make everyone look infinitely hotter than they really are. Anyway.

Oh, and then there are the "cute-sy, sweet, nose rubby" kinda kisses The one's when you are new-ish but now so new that you are jittery in a relationship. The ones when you actually LIKE each other. Once you are "in love" I find the good kissin kinda stops. Maybe this is why my past relationships haven't worked out. Who knows? I mean, when you just want to smooch (ew who says smooch?) cause you really dig each other. When you get into a long term relationship its like you kiss "Hi, Good-Bye and Alright, just shove it in" You never really make out anymore right?

Then there are the shockingly amazing kisses. Like the ones that make you you forget your name and all that gay stuff. The ones you don't have to work on. The ones that just fit. No, not just fit, but like REALLY FIT. Sort of like comparing Levi's with Sevens. One does the job, but the other GETS THE JOB DONE. Know what I mean? I have had my share of good ones, great ones, lovey ones, cute-sy ones, awkward ones, Nana -I never wanna kiss you again ones... mayyybe one or two drunken ones but only a very few AMAZING better than ANY cookie, fried chicken, or Keanu Reeves - in Speed -fantasy.

There was this one guy. I was mad crazy balls for him. MAD CRAZY BALLS. If you know me at all, you know this is rare. I am unapologetically aloof in the lust department. To your face I mean. I do love, love and all, but it takes a LOT to get me twitterpated and swoony so to speak. Anyway, MAD CRAZY BALLS for this guy. One fateful night, things got real. I didn't see it coming, very unexpected. LET ME TELL YOU when we kissed I nearly fucking fainted. He had the best set of lips I have ever kissed. I literally couldn't speak and wanted to eat his whole entire face off. I legit-shit you not. Once you have had a perfect set of lips the bar is set disappointingly high for all the lips going forward. So what happened to Mr. beautiful smooch face? I shouldn't say too much considering this is sort of the Internet, but what I will say, is I ended up being highly allergic to his um, body wash, dog orr something, and when I broke out in FULL BODY HIVES umm it sorta killed the mood. The full story would make you cry - these things only happen to me. We kissed a few magical times after said hives, but truth be told, I have yet to recover.

Point being, Great kissin, is an art. It is so often kinda skipped over, or brushed off, but I would take a brilliant kisser over a big bank account (or a big um, you know) ANY day. I would never eat KFC AGAIN if I was guaranteed to lock lipz with a man, who knows how to REALLY kiss, for the rest of my life.

True story. Solid Fact.

I really need a boyfriend.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Male Order Bribes

**This was also written over a year ago??!!! Pretty sure I was high on prescription drugs**

First of all: Dudes, I heart you.

I have never, ever once wished to be one of you - but I do appreciate your gender.

There is simply, less drama.

Sometimes you need a break, ya know?

SOMETIMES, it's just nice to eat a god damned sandwich in peace. Know what I'm sayin? Group dining with males is so refreshingly different. No need to let Johnny know for the 15th time that he doesn't look fatter today. It's also nice (sometimes) to just have a real conversation. One that doesn't have "neural ninja" type ulterior motives. One that is - just as it is. Don't get me wrong, I have had amazing conversations with all my female friends however, in general, sometimes you just wanna talk facts. Men are all about facts. Woman, myself included, like fluff...and glitter. It's all about balance right? (yes this is getting all rambly) What I am trying to say is I appreciate both genders. As a female I have noticed a few things over the, and I think you boys need to get a clue.

Women want emotional connections. I believe guys do to (to some extent) but to a greater extent they want SEX. Boys this is your lucky day. Follow these steps and be prepared to get some. Here are some actual facts for ya:

1. Shut up and Buy Dinner. Open all Doors, Remain standing until she sits - extra points if you stand when she gets up to go to the bathroom (this is unnecessary at KFC, but if it is a dressy occasions PLEASE do this!!) Remember basic table manners and be polite to the wait staff. I once had a guy snap his fingers at a waitress and I almost puked in his fettuccine. He was hot as hell, so it was an unfortunate turn of events. Bottom line - Chivalry ain't dead and never should be so.

2. If you are over the age of 25 and wear Ed Hardy you don't deserve to get laid. EVER. This also goes for highlighted hair doo's and cheap fashion thumb rings.

3. Be an active LISTENER. Seriously. If you really don't have the cognitive ability, then learn how to fake it - well. Chicks always know when you are only thinking about their tits. A dude that actually listens, asks and makes thoughtful and mindful comments/questions are the lucky ones later.

4. Don't boast, brag or exaggerate profusely. Nothing kills a girl boner quicker than a guy who clearly has no self confidence. Also, try not to reference beer chugging skills and how your friends all like to hunt.

5. If you are actually lucky enough to embrace a female DO NOT under ANY circumstances "Flex yo Pex". That is fucking disgusting.

6. Refrain from using phrases similar to: "I am such a nice guy" or "Girls only like jerks" or "Get er done" and please - do not reference how you can "throw down in the bedroom" Trust me.

7. If a holiday is coming up, or if you want to get a "just because" gift try to veer away from red roses. It's kinda over done and 80's. Not that women don't appreciate it, they do - but a cute little post it note can have the same effect. Again, we want to feel like you actually thought about it. Never under any circumstance go with the kitchen gadget/appliance or any other gift that can be used "jointly" over jewelry. EVER.

7. Do the dishes (and wipe the counter), make an effort to shower daily, do your own laundry. If you can't remember to put the seat down - no big deal, but do your best to not piss all over the floor. I have lived with many dudes (most just room mates) and what the hell is up with floor piss?!! AIM ass holes.

8. Pretend to like her friends and her wacky mother. Never admit that her best friend is "smokin hot" and even if she begs for an honest answer never ever ever utter that the dress makes her look like a chunky monkey. Oh, and period jokes are just not funny. Please don't reference tampons as "love plugs" I could barely even type that. I swear, that has happened to me. It made me want to cry and vomit simultaneously - and never have sex again.

9. Sometimes Vanilla is sweet. Sometimes sprinkles and a bit of sauce is awesome. Sometimes using the phrase "Who's your Daddy you bleepity bleep" (or really anything with the Daddy word thrown in there) is....horrible.

10. The "whirley bird" IS sorta funny. Just try to play helicopter and/or "play doh balls" when sexy times are not about to happen. Right? Right.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Coke & A Smoke

I found this little gem in my "drafts" I actually wrote it LAST Winter but must have forgotten to post. Nearly a year later, it still rings true :)

So I was walkin around "The Plaza" the other day...yeah, "The Plaza". I was in serious need of some North End garlic fingers and well... ya do what ya gotta do. I'm tellin you what, If you are ever feelin down on yourself just take a scoot over to Landsdowne place and I promise within 5 minutes you will breathe a sigh of relief that...fuck, you ain't THAT bad.

So I go in to place my order. Behind me is this young girl in ripped up fleecey jammy pants with orange-maybe it was once- blonde hair. She has a dirty stroller with a poor little tot up in it. She was yelling in her cell phone about some guy named Danny and how she "just don't give a shit" about some girl named Carla. I'm here for some garlic fingers, but I really just want to take the poor little baby and run. I don't even like babies. I decide to not wait around to see what happens between Carla and Danny and go next door the the Dollar Store.

It's sweaty, packed and smells like Pert Plus mixed with some Players Lite. I always wonder why poor people are always so fat. I know vegtables are expensive but how are you affording that much McDonalds? Metabolism my ass! I grab some gum and am told I can't use debit for under $10. I didn't have any change so had to leave without my Trident. Well, who looks like the bum now?

On my way back to pick up my garlic fingers this dude with a smoke tucked behind his ear gives me a "hey baby whats up" I did a half smile and quicky got the hell outta dodge. This type of encounter always pisses me off. WHY is it always the douche bags throwin out the pick up lines?!!! Do they feel like they have nothing else to lose?!!! Do they think I am one of them?!!!!!!! (gasp!) and lets just go back to the smoke behind the ear thing. W T F?!! We are living in 2010 and you are pullin THAT fashion statement??! God, if you must be so disgusting at least put it in your pocket....or case? I mean is it really that much easier access to have it behind your EAR?? This really got me going.

I get back to the pizza place. Orange haired little Mama is still there. She is feeding the babe donair meat. I'm pretty sure that donair meat makes hot dogs look organic and fresh right? Who feeds their off-spring donair meat? (Or maybe this was Carla's kid??) I get my Garlic Fingers - with 2 donair sauces! and pray that my debit will work here. It do. I find my car (yes, find) and drive away blastin the Luda. I'm so Plaza, So Blvd, and baby I didn't even know it.

Ps. I haven't forgotten to take my birth control since.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

It's a typical situation in these typical times....

So, last night, laying in bed, stuffed full of "Strawberry Daiquiri" Cheesecake (and pizza) reading "The Nine Rooms of Happiness" listening, to David Gray -no freakin less-I had to laugh. Fuck, REALLY? Could I not have waited until at least February so this whole scenario wasn't so PAINFULLY Bridget Jones kinda cliche?! I used to hate girls (er women?) like me. I don't even really like cheesecake. (That's a lie) I just hate people who act like Tony Robbins on Speed just because it's a "New" Year. You are still the same "Old" you right?

Regardless, I AM crazeball giddy for 2011. I don't care who rolls their eyes. Last year fucking sucked. The year before was even worse. I mean, It COULD have been worse OF COURSE. I hate it when people say that right?! I could have been diagnosed with the AIDS, and my house could have burned down. "Well it could have been worse Haley, your Mother could have gone to jail and your best friend could have married your Ex too" Nothing makes me feel worse about my life when people "it could be worse" me. Jesus. I am a positive person. So much so, sometimes I think I might be high on euphoric hormones or something. I get the whole "create your own happiness" garbage. Last year still, um sucked.

This is turning out to be a bit angst-ier than I intended. Maybe it's the David Gray in combination with the Ray Lamontagne eh? Howevs, A wise friend of mine put it quite simply: You know all the "stuff" that you look back on and think what in the heck was I thinking? So for example: drunk texting exes (term used loosely), eating Dorito's with reckless abandon, not givin a WHAT about really important things just because you don't want to deal with them, allowing toxic friends/people to pollute your "bubble" Etc - THEY/IT DOESN'T BELONG HERE. You just say it. Maybe it has something to do with neural looping. Who knows. So here goes: "Emo Dorito's at 2am: YOU DON'T BELONG HERE" Try it. Swear to Cheesus, it sort of makes you believe you might be able to learn something and evolve. Imagine that.

You know what makes me 2 Legit (2 never quit) Happy though? PSYCH SPRING is just around the corner!! A bit over 30 days? If you haven't been enlightened on the BEST holiday on my mental calender then please drop me a text. It'll change your life. If it doesn't, then at least you have an excuse to dance in my kitchen, drink beer, and show off your sexy bods sans winter coats. Like you needed one anyway! and so I digress. See, I'm practicing the phrase...but I still don't get it.

I could ramble on about my lame Resolutions or how I'm so grateful for all the wonderful things in my life but maybe all I really want to say is: 2011, you will NOT suck balls like 2009 and 2010. Sucky balls just don't belong here.