Sunday, January 16, 2011

Male Order Bribes

**This was also written over a year ago??!!! Pretty sure I was high on prescription drugs**

First of all: Dudes, I heart you.

I have never, ever once wished to be one of you - but I do appreciate your gender.

There is simply, less drama.

Sometimes you need a break, ya know?

SOMETIMES, it's just nice to eat a god damned sandwich in peace. Know what I'm sayin? Group dining with males is so refreshingly different. No need to let Johnny know for the 15th time that he doesn't look fatter today. It's also nice (sometimes) to just have a real conversation. One that doesn't have "neural ninja" type ulterior motives. One that is - just as it is. Don't get me wrong, I have had amazing conversations with all my female friends however, in general, sometimes you just wanna talk facts. Men are all about facts. Woman, myself included, like fluff...and glitter. It's all about balance right? (yes this is getting all rambly) What I am trying to say is I appreciate both genders. As a female I have noticed a few things over the, and I think you boys need to get a clue.

Women want emotional connections. I believe guys do to (to some extent) but to a greater extent they want SEX. Boys this is your lucky day. Follow these steps and be prepared to get some. Here are some actual facts for ya:

1. Shut up and Buy Dinner. Open all Doors, Remain standing until she sits - extra points if you stand when she gets up to go to the bathroom (this is unnecessary at KFC, but if it is a dressy occasions PLEASE do this!!) Remember basic table manners and be polite to the wait staff. I once had a guy snap his fingers at a waitress and I almost puked in his fettuccine. He was hot as hell, so it was an unfortunate turn of events. Bottom line - Chivalry ain't dead and never should be so.

2. If you are over the age of 25 and wear Ed Hardy you don't deserve to get laid. EVER. This also goes for highlighted hair doo's and cheap fashion thumb rings.

3. Be an active LISTENER. Seriously. If you really don't have the cognitive ability, then learn how to fake it - well. Chicks always know when you are only thinking about their tits. A dude that actually listens, asks and makes thoughtful and mindful comments/questions are the lucky ones later.

4. Don't boast, brag or exaggerate profusely. Nothing kills a girl boner quicker than a guy who clearly has no self confidence. Also, try not to reference beer chugging skills and how your friends all like to hunt.

5. If you are actually lucky enough to embrace a female DO NOT under ANY circumstances "Flex yo Pex". That is fucking disgusting.

6. Refrain from using phrases similar to: "I am such a nice guy" or "Girls only like jerks" or "Get er done" and please - do not reference how you can "throw down in the bedroom" Trust me.

7. If a holiday is coming up, or if you want to get a "just because" gift try to veer away from red roses. It's kinda over done and 80's. Not that women don't appreciate it, they do - but a cute little post it note can have the same effect. Again, we want to feel like you actually thought about it. Never under any circumstance go with the kitchen gadget/appliance or any other gift that can be used "jointly" over jewelry. EVER.

7. Do the dishes (and wipe the counter), make an effort to shower daily, do your own laundry. If you can't remember to put the seat down - no big deal, but do your best to not piss all over the floor. I have lived with many dudes (most just room mates) and what the hell is up with floor piss?!! AIM ass holes.

8. Pretend to like her friends and her wacky mother. Never admit that her best friend is "smokin hot" and even if she begs for an honest answer never ever ever utter that the dress makes her look like a chunky monkey. Oh, and period jokes are just not funny. Please don't reference tampons as "love plugs" I could barely even type that. I swear, that has happened to me. It made me want to cry and vomit simultaneously - and never have sex again.

9. Sometimes Vanilla is sweet. Sometimes sprinkles and a bit of sauce is awesome. Sometimes using the phrase "Who's your Daddy you bleepity bleep" (or really anything with the Daddy word thrown in there) is....horrible.

10. The "whirley bird" IS sorta funny. Just try to play helicopter and/or "play doh balls" when sexy times are not about to happen. Right? Right.

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