Sunday, January 1, 2012

A Vagillion Resollution

January 1st, 2012

Interesting how a simple date on the calender makes all you "Negative Nellie's" born again "Happy Pants". I'm a self proclaimed "happy pants" all year long thank you very much. That's a bit of an exaggeration as most of the time I'm either "faking out functional" or drunk. However, that's neither here nor there and what I REALLY mean is: Shut the fuck up you idiots.

Don't get me wrong, my toe gets tingly this time of year, I do like the thought of a "fresh start" I make thoughtful resolutions and even write lists. I just don't talk about it like a LAME ASS. Well...I talk about it to my besties a bit, but they already know what a lame ass I am. I think It's too late to save face around the people who have seen me dance to Rod Steward in my "I love mullets" panties.

Howevies! I am a people pleaser AND I also secretly love "THE SECRET" and if you don't know what that is - You win at life. Trust me. Don't read it, it will make you crazyballtastico. Point is, THE SECRET says: If you write it down, it will make it happen (or something like that?) So I'll indulge you in a few of my "brutes resolutes"

1. Actually READ two newspapers at least 4 times a week. Cover to cover. Not just browse my "lucky love days" in the horoscope section. My current event knowledge is embarrassingly pathetic.

2. Re-Learn how to SLEEP. Sleep is the new Sex - Nympho that! I'm tired of being tired. Tired of whining about being tired. Tired of taking sleep aids and waking up drugged and drooly faced until I chug 3 cold Americano's. I am going to do EVERYTHING possible to correct this problem naturally. If it means no late weekends for a while then so be it. If sleep is the new sex, lets get it on.

3. Hit the snooze button twice in the morning instead of seven times. Hopefully better sleeping will aid in this resolution. No more being frazzle frantic late every morning. Maybe, if I'm feeling REALLY motivated, I'll show up early so I can read the paper at my desk like an intelligent adult. Unlikely, but my hopes are high.

So lets see if I follow through. The first time you see me check in to "Liquorville" at 2am on facebook you have my full permission to call me a weak loser. You can also assume that this "sleep is the new sex" business is a farce. Not that "Liquorville" equals sex parse, but maybe I am drinking the celibacy away? Whatever.

Oh, and while on the topic of sex, celibacy and resolutions I am going to try and "Date Smarter". Whatever that even means? Earlier today my best friend reminded me of this little love tragedy:

"Remember you went on a date to KFC and the dude sat there and drank WATER while you horked a big crunch combo with gravy?!"

Yeah, That actually happened to me. He also "flexed his pex" when we embraced post binge. Seriously. I wanted to puke an entire bucket of erbs and spices all over his face. It was HIS idea to go there. I laughed, then cried all the way home.

Oh! and on a completely separate note - Guess WHAT? My World Vision Sponsor bambino hit the bricks! Like, left town! They can't find her or her fam. The letter informed me that her "Father may have taken them away to find work" - Likely story World Vision. Who the hell writes those letters anyway?! Jesus Heck. I was hoping for a full refund BUT included in my MIA letter was a new kid. She's not even as cute. So up went Dora #2 on the fridge. She is beside Dora #1. Even though the first one flew the coop, I want to ensure people think I sponsor not just ONE but two little urchins. I'm such a giver.

Oh and while on the topic of Mexico, I just returned. So YES, My loving, passive aggressive Father decided to allow his life failing daughter to come. Christmas was not cancelled! We have never spoken of his "I'm re thinking Mexico text" I think he knows it was a major parenting fail. I'm not saying I deserved an all expenses paid luxury vacation - as I sure as susie tipps didn't - but come on Gary, pick up your game a little.

So yes, Mexico: doing a fam jam vaca as an adult is a real eye opener. Especially when the booze is free flowing and by free flowing I mean chugged in massive quantities. One night my mother mistook the shower in my room to be the toilet. It was like looking in the mirror. Not that I mistake showers for toilets often, but I do sometimes fall up walk ways and am unable to get up. Sometimes. Full out dancing at 10am on the swim up bar was a highlight. The guacamole was heavenly. The sun was delicious. The "massage therapist" was a "GORGEOUS HUNK" (as per my Mother) Pretty sure he wasn't certified, but with that face? pshhhhhh who needs paper? Oh did I mention I didn't have to shave anything ONCE? Take that! laser hair removal rules! My dad also decided this was the perfect time to read "Wheat Belly" - you know, the anti wheat/flour bible? So every day at the buffet he would quip "Is this wheat free?" I wanted to kill him. It's your 7th slushy "Mandarin Sour" of the day and you are worried about the hamburger bun?! Pass the tequila please. My brother just smiled the entire week. He is much nicer than I am. He also put double shots of Baileys in his morning coffee's therefor nicer AND smarter. I am also going on record and stating orange is the new black. This tan is so George Hamilton.

Guess what else? 6 weeks until my favorite "holiday" of the year: PSYCHOLOGICAL SPRING!

2012 is here - lets just do the best we can to NOT make sleep the new sex, NEVER EVER "flex our Pex", Wear sunscreen, and dance on that bar - Happy Pants not required.