Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Stay Skinny Pumpkin Spice Muffins

I love this recipe. Perfect time of year for sweet spicy pumpkiny goodness...They make me happy and surprisingly NOT fatter. What more could a girl ask for? I have tweaked it a few times to my liking. If you don't have the healthier options at home, you can use your regular baking stuff and they probably taste EVEN BETTER :)

For you skinny bitches who care, per muff you are lookin at approx 110 calories, 2 grams of fat, 3 grams of fiber, 4 grams of protein, and only about 1 gram of sugar. Beat that Tim Horton! - (FYI their version is like 520 cals with a retarded amount of fat, YES it tastes better and is bigger, but if I'm gonna do that, just gimme a big piece of chocolate cake)

Stay Skinny Pumpkin Spice Muffins


1 and 1/2 cups of Whole Wheat Flour
1 tsp. of Baking Soda
1/2 tsp of Salt
3/4 tsp of Cinnamon
1/4 tsp of Cloves
1/8 tsp of Nutmeg
1 Egg (preferably organic Free range!)
1/2 Cup of packed Splenda BROWN Sugar
1/3 Cup of Unsweetened Applesauce (or Oil if you don't care)
1 tsp of Vanilla
3/4 cup of Low Fat Buttermilk **Who the eff has this in their Fridge?! I use Unsweetened Almond Milk with a few drops of Lemon juice (this sours the milk to mock the butta milk --you can just use Skim Milk too if you have that)
1 Cup of Pumpkin Puree (NOT the pie filling)
1/3 Cup of chopped Walnuts (you can add 1/3 cup of raisins too if you like but I don't!)


1. Pre Heat Oven to 375 and grease up your muff pan
2. Mixy together the flour, baking powder, soda, salt and spices
3. In a separate bowl beat up the egg and brown sugar. Mix in the rest of the wet ingredients above.
4. Pour the wet bowl stuff into the dry bowl stuff and stir until just combined (aka don't beat the shit out of it) Lastly add the nuts and raisins.
5. Bake for approx 18 minutes of until your fork comes out dry. Mid way through I sprinkle the tops with some cinnamon sugar mix to be cute like that.

Yummy!! -- The only annoying thing is the can of Puree only comes in one size - big. Lucky for you, you have Me who has nothing better to do but taste test food all day) So here are a few ideas with what to do with the rest of the can (other than compost)

-- I freeze another measured cup in a freezer baggie so next time I make them its easier.
-- The next day I put a scoop in my oatmeal (just season the pumpkin with some cinnamon and nutmeg first)
-- Add a scoop to your Almond Milk Smoothie or whatev kind you make...
-- I have added the rest to my Oatcake recipe. I prefer them without pumpkin but they still taste good.
-- Make Pumpkin chocolate chip Cookies!!!

Did you know....

Pumpkin is loaded with the antioxidant beta-carotene, which has been shown to help improve immune function and can reduce the risk of diseases such as cancer and heart disease. In addition, pumpkins also contain many vitamins and nutrients including: calcium, iron, magnesium, potassium, zinc, selenium, niacin, folate, and vitamins A, C, and E. One cup of pumpkin contains only 50 calories and 3 grams of fiber.

I say who the hell cares - it just tastes good! buut now you can say you "learned" something today...Yes, I want the credit.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

We have Smorgasboard on Sunday...

One of the greatest things about being off work is the complete dis concern of "what day it is" All day I went around thinkin it was Tuesday. Swear to God. When I was on a schedule I never even had to think about what day it was (2 days, 11 hours and 42 seconds till Friday!!) Strange how your mind automatically prioritizes. I'm not sure what's on the top of my list now? Maybe what I'm gonna whip up for brunch and how many pelvic floor crunches I can conquer. Sadly, that is not a joke.

I am in the midst of a bathroom reno. Well, not midst as that would involve work being done, but I am picking out colors. I am thinking a grey blue for the walls, white trim, white tub insert and toilet with a black vanity and grey flooring. Open to suggestions.

I am also getting so used to living at my parents place that, dare I say might sorta kinda like it?! For example: My Mother just came into my room (keep in mind they have like 10 people over and have been boozin since 2pm) asking me how to open the cheese. So you know those slide zip lock bags? It was one of those. At first I was confused and then realized she was intoxicated. Yesterday the two of us had breakfast in bed with a bottle of Baileys and a pot of coffee. Didn't move until 2pm. Let me say it again - I fucking LOVE the country.

Also since the Golden Shower incident Stanley and I are now BFF's. He is attached to my moonboot. Never leaves my bed. It's like he marked his territory. I am his bitch for life.

Haven't made the Starbucks cookies yet. I am workin too hard on my fitness (meaning I can walk across the room without assistance) I will say however, since the surgery I am amazed at how more "aware" of my body I am. The more I move around, the better I feel. I actually felt a hard spot on my stomach yesterday - tumor? gas? mighta been a muscle spasm?! - I'm not gonna say it was an AB, but shiz it was somethin. I was told in Rehab that I actually have a "breathing disorder" -- hilarious -- YOU MEAN I CAN'T EVEN BREATH RIGHT?! So I work on "belly breathing" everyday. Shocking how something so simple is so mind numbingly difficult. My "brain damage" apparently makes me only chest breath and not use my diaphram. Apparently I use my diaphram (normal people have and use core muscles -hense my need for mentioned pelvic floor crunches) to hold myself up and that, in turn, allows me to only breath shallow through my chest. Interesting. Unfortunate that I have been pounding high doses of asthmatic steroids since the age of 2 to "open my lungs" oh, and also to make my nervous system freakin squirlier than your Grampie at a gay wedding. The medical mystery that is me, gets more interesting by the day.

I am getting slurrrrred to supper. Happy MONDAY Lovies!!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Dirty Catholics

There are some things I just won't blog about. I try to keep it all about me, because it is my choice to document lame everyday life. Internet Gossip can be vicious. I mean in real life we all do it. Know what I hate? I hate the peeps (girls are THE WORST) who are all like "I'm not one to judge, and/or It might not be my place to say this...." OH COME ON. This goes right along with "I'm not racist or anything but..." Get real people. We all poop. We all laugh at the occasional racist joke (fuck most of us laugh at them all) We all want to star on So you think you can Dance. We all talk about each other. Some are just more humane about it.

In my 29 years I have heard many stories. I have lived through hilarious insanity. Reality can be deeply depressing but it can also be so refreshingly funny. It's the little things that get me goin. I have been sittin on this one for the past year or so. The fact that I still think of it regularly and actually L O L makes it a good one I think. It really makes you realize we are NOT all on the same wave length and I suppose, that's what makes the world go round. I am hyping this up now to be bigger than it is....

Please keep in mind minor details of this story have been changed to protect the innocent. Well not so innocent - you will learn as you read on. Please also note the story below may not be suitable for all readers. If you get offended easily just stop reading now.

So I once knew this girl. We ran into each other from time to time, (but in no way besties) She appears to be "normal" - average intelligence, good looking, a bit kooky but no more so than everyone else I know. This girl also happens to frequent the house of God. She has strong beliefs that involve the church. Good for her.

One day we were chillin. Havin a chat. The subject was: Boys, Guys, Dudes, Men...thoughts on the male gender, comments on our recent escapades and such. Now, as mentioned this girl has strong religious beliefs. Beliefs that include NO SEX before marriage. To each their own. So, she was detailing one of her victims, shall we say...They were makin out, things were gettin...heavy?....um, and so the dude kinda backs off as he knows this girls NO SEX rule. She is not wanting to stop so she sits up. Smiles. In a voice more serious and innocent than I can even FATHOM goes:

"Well, it doesn't count if it's in the ass"


This was the point where I literally lost my shit. BACK THE TRUCK UP. I am sure you can all picture my face upon hearing such an incredulous statement. Is this for real?! She MUST BE making this up to be funny OR she is definitely doing boys behind God's back. None of the above people! Upon further questioning she was DEAD SERIOUS. She really thought that since you can't make babies up the bum then God would be buck with her bangin down the back door. Of course she was still a Virgin! Let me repeat the statement: "IT DOESN'T COUNT IF IT'S IN THE ASS" Upon picking my chin up off the floor I continued to question: Have you made this statement to other dudes that you um date? - response: "Yeah, all the time"

Alright. So as HILARIOUS as I think this is, I gotta imagine it from the guys prospective: Your makin out with this hot chick, you know she's not gonna do you, but heck, you sit with her every week at church, she is such a "nice" girl and hey, good times. IMAGINE this same girl looking you dead in the eye (you have to remember she is not dirty talkin either) and says "Well, It doesn't count if it's in the ass" WOAH. I mean is this not every dudes DREAM? Here baby let me roll over so you can fuck me in the ass. (Woot Woot, No babies!)

Truly, when I am feeling sad this makes me smile every time without fail.

The fact that she was so nonchalant about it. At the time I still couldn't believe what I was hearing. (Let me say, I am very liberal, so it's not about the bum doings) It's her entire thought process. I went home that night thinking she HAD to be putting me on. So I did what any girl would do. Research. I happened to know a couple of her...boyfriends. I'm not gonna say how it went down, but lets just say I had one of them confirm for me that the above is absolutely true. They actually OFFERED the info. I didn't pry. (I mean how can you edge around this one lightly)

So that's my story. The story that makes me question everything I have ever known. Was Jessica Simpson really holding out for marriage or was she just bum fucking cause it really doesn't count?!!! I mean, really, maybe the church isn't so bad after all! Seriously, the fact that this person honest to goodness believed what she was saying meant that there are probably more like her. Actually, imagine her thoughts on other things. Just regular stuff! Maybe I am the crazy one here. Quite possible.


Monday, October 19, 2009

Ode to Cat Pee

I have a cat. His name is Stanley. He is 16 years old. Stan is missin a few teeth, a few marbles and weighs in at a svelte 18lbs. He is very demanding. Due to his size and age he gets whatever he wants whenever he wants. Since my parents have been in Alberta I have been the farm hand on the weekends and my Aunt through the week. Stan has a bad habit of waking up at 3am for a pee break. Here's the thing: I think that is BOGUS. If he relieves himself late enough in the night there is NO need for this. He is just being a fat bastard. I refuse to do it, and so my unfortunate story begins....

I decided last night to sleep in my parents bed. Creepy? Yes. However, for those of you who have experienced the "cloud in paradise" feeling that is sleepin in such bed then you would be doin it too. (and they weren't IN the bed!) The point being, my parents room is all the way UPSTAIRS. It takes immense effort on my part, but considering the rents get back today I felt it would be worth it. Around 11pm Earle was in his doggie bed (Simon was MIA) and Stanley waddled along with me. Watched some Project Runway (yay!) enjoyed approximately 13 mini O'Henry's and 6 mini bags of Reeses Pieces (yum!) and fell asleep.

You know how your Mom always says not to go to bed on a full stomach cause you'll have bad dreams?! Damnit why are they always right?! It was the kinda dream where you are still in bed and everything looks the same but it's REAL SCARY. I knew it was a dream and kept saying "wake up, wake up, wake up...." I would wake up, and then just go right back into the dream again. It was a cruel punishment for a girl who can't move quickly and just ate herself happy. When I did finally get outta the dream sequence it was 3am. Stanley was snoring beside me (deviated septum due to an unfortunate meeting with a Cougar - a real life one - not your Mom) Turned on the lamp. Listened to the rain. Told myself I wasn't scared, even though I am in the middle of The Blair Witch K-Penny Project... Eventually fell back asleep, but not before I realized I hadn't locked the door. No one will steal me lookin like this.

4AM: Woke up to Stan the Man banging his HUGE paw against the door. Fuck. Didn't move. He continued.

4:15: Stan is now beside my head batting my eye with his huge ass paw. Blew air in his face and told him to lye down and stop being a pussy.

4:20: Wailing. The cat, not me.

4:45: Stanley is now throwing himself against the door to the bathroom because it makes a loud clatter noise. I consider strangling him. I am NOT getting up until at least 6am to let him out. My leg is throbbing. I cover my head with the pillow.

5:30: He is now eating/licking my hair and purring louder than my hair dryer (head still firmly under the pillow)

5:45: Must have dozed off for a second because I jumped out of my skin when he squawked in my ear. Blew in his face again. Since I was still on my tummy, he crawled on my back. Silence. Why are my feet wet? wait, my legs....Oh fuck no.

5:50: Stanley peed. GERIATRIC PEE at that. Not only did he pee the bed but he chose to PISS ALL OVER ME. I am going to beat the furry bastard with my Moonboot. There are few things in life that smell worse than Stanley pee. I was haggard as Shiz about it. He ran down the stairs faster than I have seen him move in at least 10 years. I didn't yell as I really was speechless. It took me about 9 minutes to get downstairs to let him out. Thankfully, there was an extra thick kinda plastic mattress cover under the fitted sheet (I realize that is mildly alarming and kinda gross?) but anyway it didn't ruin the mattress.

6:15: In shower scrubbing the piss off my body.

6:20: Dump baking soda, stain remover and extra detergent all over the bedding and learn how to use my Mama's heavy duty front loader (don't tell though, I thoroughly enjoy the free laundry service)

6:30: Gimp downstairs. Took some pain pills. Climb into my real bed. Sigh. Hear scratching at the door. Oops, forgot to let Earley the dog back in. Swear. Hobble to the door. Let Earl in. I love Earl. He never once has pissed on me.

6:35: Climb in bed AGAIN. Close my eyes. Is that snoring?! Open one eye. Sweet shit it's Stanley lying beside me. He must have snuck back in when I let the Dog in. Smile. He's old. He couldn't hold it. He was just layin the smack down. Showin me who's boss. I love him anyway.

Stanley Rules.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Retail Therapy

Online shopping = PURE JOY

Lately I have been holding back. Today however - I just couldn't help it! I have wanted this dress FOREVER (you can NEVER have enough Sun dresses!!) and it finally went on sale (marked down to 19.99! - Prolly cause I am the only fool who buys em in the Winter) Of course they can be worn year round with a bit of tweaking. Sooooo I ordered some um... accessories too. Aren't the Boots fantastic? Nothin roughs up some ruffles like a good biker boot! Ahh and the cable knit tights, cute heart belt and the always versatile yellow cardi....

Thursday, October 15, 2009


I love cookies.

I love coffee.

I love friends.

When I received a email titled: "I'm breaking you outta Rehab for some Starbucks" this morning my heart did a little dance. The macarana to be exact. First of all, let me say, I am NOT a coffee snob. I do not frequent Starbucks. I'm all over the home-brew. Just last year I was enlightened to the fact that Espresso was in fact not pronounced (or spelled for that matter) EXpresso. Meih, I thought more caffeine (apparently this is untrue as well by the way) therefor wouldn't it make sense that it is coffee a la EXPRESS? Perfect reasoning no? Anyhow, I do find the coffee list at such cafe's intimidating. The jargon gets me a bit discombobulated. So I did what I do best: ORDER COOKIES! I know a good cookie when I taste one and kids THIS IS PERFECTION. It was worth the full two bones. Heck, I would pay ten for this big piece of sugared PARADISE. I'm telling you, if you appreciate a good treat get your ass to the nearest Starbucks and order a GINGER MOLASSES COOKIE. I was enjoying it so much I informed Melis (my savior) that I MUST blog about it right then and there. I taste tested her "Americana" (EXpresso mixed with water) with a shot of sugar free vanilla and it was worth ordering as well. I am still happy with my black dark roast (but if I get nervous in the future I now have a back up) Back to the cookie: First of all it's HUGE. It's wonderfully crisp on the outside and soft yet slightly chewy on the inside. The spices are perfect. The amount of sugar ALL OVER is perfect. THIS IS THE PERFECT COOKIE. Actually, upon searching for a picture I found a RECIPE. Please note I am going to test this out on the weekend so expect a full report.
Ps. For my Vegan/Irritable Bowel Buddies you will be thrilled to know this delight is DAIRY FREE!!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Don't hate the Playa....

The other day, a friend of the male variety, advised me I am "emotionally unavailable". Interesting. Got me to thinking: DING DING DING?!?! He went on to use words such as: guarded, self destructive, game player....

This led me to question his sexuality. What a pussy right?!!

Regardless, I have taken a few days to let this marinate. Sink in. Mr. Sensitive couldn't possibly be correct?!! Coined the social genius (self coined that is) I get it. I know I take upper hand to the extreme...I guess it comes down to insecurity. I hate to use that word (it actually HURTS me to type) However in an effort to be real here, what am I so afraid of?! I turn off any emotion, drink ungodly amounts of vodka (don't even get me started on the smokes) and if the mood strikes, I might even bang you senseless. (Gosh can I say that on the Internet? Sorry Mom, MIGHT being the keyword) Wow. You better watch out cause , God forbid, I actually like you not only will I pretend you don't exist but if/when forced into conversation I'll make sure to put you down in the worst back handed "no offence" kinda way. Woah. If you're REALLY lucky I'll make out with your best buddy right in front of you (after said Vodka) Classssy. What a catch I am. Horrifying! Fear of rejection is supposed to be a guy thing right?! I mean I get the whole "No Daddy syndrome" AKA Screw anything that walks lookin for love....Thankfully NOT my issue, but where do I get off thinking THIS is any better?!! My Vag may be a bit cleaner but mentally am I not just as effed?!?!

I don't even have any 'woe is me stories' My past BF's/dates/Do's....have been nothing but, um, respectful and decent. It's not like I can use the "I have been hurt and therefore am jaded" excuse. I really do like myself.

SO W T F?!!!!

In closing, Once you know better, you do better (says Oprah) So maybe a specific reason (like um, insecurity) isn't needed. I'll lose the UHS (upper hand syndrome) and play nice already.

I wanna prove you RIGHT Gaylord Focker! (and no I will NOT bang you senseless)


Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Lemon Cake on a Tuesday

Tuesday has always been my "off day" I don't want to say "most hated" but I feel about Tuesday the way most feel about Monday. Always have. I recognize every day is what you make it, and by having this preconceived notion that such day will be "off" makes it so, but whatEV.

This morning did not disappoint. Due to the fact I forgot my cell phone (and am stuck in rehab for life because even my land line won't let me dial out) I was freaked to the max all night that I wasn't gonna wake up (I don't mean stop breathing - cell is my alarm clock) However I did wake up only because I must have been so jacked I woke up pretty much every hour on the hour.

7Am : Muttered the type of shit that would make a trucker blush. Realized I forgot to pre make my coffee, this makes me extremely ugly. Limped out to the kitch, waved at the construction boys, proceeded to spill coffee grinds all over the floor. Meih, left em there.

7:15: Grabbed Bose, switched on some serious show tunes. Figured that would make me smile. Sorta worked. Chugged Coffee, Poured another cup.

7:25: Got in the shower, sang show tunes. Just when I was starting to perk up, the shower curtain was RIPPED OPEN. I nearly fell over. It scared me SO BAD, I am certain permanent damage was done. It's a nurse yelling "Are you ok?!?!?!" I was like "Sweet Fuck now I'm not!!!!!" Apparently I must have hit the emergency call bell when getting in the shower. Wonderful. Apologized to nurse. Felt like a huge ass. She left. Caught my breath, laughed and went back to show tunin'

7:35: Conditioning my hair -still in shower. I hear: "Are you ok?!!!!!" (this time the shower curtain stayed intact) Certainly I must be going mentally insane?!! Ends up the last nurse forgot to "turn off" my alarm. Now there are three of em standing in my bathroom. Jesus Christ really?!! REALLY? WHO ELSE DOES THIS SHIT HAPPEN TO?!!! Anyway, not a big deal. My goodies have now been exposed to pretty much the entire building (between this episode and the nude scenes in the gym) I am in rehab after all. Dignity is for boring regulars. Maybe I'll just make out with the janitor to top it all off.

7:45: Still in shower. Not laughing. Mildly disturbed.

8:00: Got dressed, decided not to do my hair, heck not even brush it - pulled it back. Make- up is a waste of time these days, but I did opt to brush my teeth.

8:30 (Yes I am a slow dresser) Checked Facebook. Super Lame. I am going to have to make this a whole other blog. I hate people. I also hate that I am probably just like the people I claim to "hate". Hmm. Denial? Lets be friends. Emailed K-Dob to ask her to text my brother to tell him that his sister is a huge goof ball idiot and forgot her cell - could he please send an SOS or something so I don't have to live here forever. Bit dramatic maybe but I have nothing else.

9:00: Drag my ass to the "Gym". McRehab is there looking stunningly gorgeous. I am so grumpy I don't even get a flutterbug (like in my tummy) He waves and yells a "Good Morning Sunshine!" I wonder if the nurses told him they all saw me naked in the shower this morning? This is a VERY small hospital...Sure he knows. Well, drama is drama. Grinned.

9:05: Strapped into the recumbent bike when this chick in a wheely starts talking about how she watched "The Hangover" on the weekend. I'm not gonna lie, my first thought was "HOLY SHIT, PEOPLE IN WHEELCHAIRS KNOW HOW TO TALK?! AND THEY WATCH FUNNY MOVIES?!!" This chick also happens to be African American. I don't know about ya'll but have you ever met a black cripple?!! (Please note: I am aloud to say this because I am one. Not an African American but a cripple, so stop gasping)

9:15: Gettin Sweaty on the recumbent Bike. Ashamed to be THIS outta shape. Still talking to Afro wheely chick. She is working on her PhD in Stats. Wow. I am a huge ass hole.

9:30: Stretching on the mat with Mini Mite. She laughs and asks me if I am ok. Have baby powder all over the bum of my black yoga pants. Nice.

10:30: Want to die. Anke hurts. Wish I brushed my hair cause McRehab won't stop the small talk. Physio student (SUPER cute, but might be 18 and really, at some point ya gotta draw the line) offers to let me use his cell to call my brother. Nate lovingly called me a "Douche Bag" Loud enough that I KNOW he heard. Meih. At least now I will get outta here at some point.

11:00: Went to the cafeteria. WRONG MOVE. I literally never go in there. I have my own healthy choices in my "suite" I have no will power when it comes to Chicken Fingers and Cookies. Plus the point of 'Hab is to get better NOT fatter. Did I mention all the stuff in the Cafeteria is FREE to patients?!! mmhmmm (Yay Medicare!) Of COURSE they had CAKE. Like fluffy delicious lemon cake iced with butter cream perfection. FUCK.

11:30: Woofed down cake with another cup of coffee. Back in room. Feel bad about not feeling bad AT ALL and consider going up to get another piece. Knock on the door. Janitor delivering Towels. Imagined him naked. Not bad. Imagined kissing him (not naked!) Hmm. Not so bad either. Remembered the LINE. (He must be 45 ish) then again, it would't be considered rape, and he's kinda cute in the rough " I like Nascar" sorta way. Hmm. Decide there will be no kissing and I am not going to get another piece of cake.

12: Typing Blog. This is getting too long. If something miraculous happens this afternoon I will update. Pretty doubtful but I am open to anything....maybe even kissing the janitor.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

KFC kicks Turkey in the......

Home A-Lone! Strange on a "holiday weekend" but I ain't mad at it. Kinda refreshing actually. Gives me lots of time to watch dirty movies and eat oatcakes in bed. I'm not much for the turkey (and might have a pumpkin pie blizzard in the freezer!)

My family is in Calgary. I wasn't aloud to go due to my immobility -too much of a hassle. Discrimination's a bitch. On a happy note, I only have one more week of "Hab" because they are sending me home with a solid program to work on for a month and THEN I go back to get serious (for probably 10 years at this rate) It was an emotional week for me and I really don't want to talk about it. It's a shocking revelation when you realize things about yourself that may be less than flattering. Not to mean I live life thinking I'm a Saint, but I guess reality sometimes kicks you in the ass. Again, not in the mood to elaborate.

Had a profound moment with Earley yesterday (mind reading family Dog) I was pacing the kitchen - core walking! - and he was right beside me, his head under my hand, when I noticed he was limping a bit...I sat down to investigate and he looked at me with this deliriously happy tongue out ears up face. It occurred to me that was mimicking my movements. His face looked older, gray around his eyes and mouth, fur extra rumpled. Sigh. I told him all about my week. He sat with his head on my lap listening, never judging. Cried again (W T F?!) and he just gave me knowing looks, licking my cheeks (that immediately broke out into a massive hivey mess) Why is this so profound? I don't really know. It just was.

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Lets get outta here - I smell babies bakin...

I just cried for 10 solid minutes. The wailing kind. The kind where your nose runs and you choke like a 5 year old in a complete throw down. Current Ovulation is certain. I am in a "good mental place" There is nothing I can solidly blame the tears on. Just sometimes I get all Emo all bawl my face off. For the past two days I have been listening to a lot of Sarah McLaughlin, Uncle Kracker (I know, I know!) and Keith Urban. I was THIS close to posting some Urban lyrics in this blog actually. Thankfully, I still have SOME sense. I will say there is something extremely cleansing about a good cry. A real good one - nervous ones while watching TLC do NOT count! Ya'll know what I mean. Anyway enough about that. Well one more thing. I do find it impressive I have mapped out my ovulation cycle (ain't no babies in this belly!!) Forever my system was so insanely messed up I didn't even know when my last period was (ummm maybe May of 2002?!!) Ladies beware of the DEPO. It was my BEST friend for the better part of 7 years. I flippin loved it. Then I had some unfortunate um... symptoms and after going to the doctor 3 times and her not listening (since switched Docs) they did a bone scan and found that the needle had been depleting my body of all Calcium and Estrogen. My poor lower half was at 67% and if you know ANYTHING about bone mass that is pretty effin pathetic. You are not supposed to dip lower than 90% until you hit at least 60. They couldn't be certain it was the Depo of course as a scan hadn't been done prior to the injections and I was runnin around 95lbs at the time of the scan. (smaller peeps tend to have lower bone mass) but the lack of Estrogen was NO FUN AT ALL ;) It wasn't until LAST YEAR (off depo for three years!!) I started having periods again at all and finally this year I really feel attune to my body. I refuse the pill (I won't get into that) and seriously I have never felt better. We are not meant to be injecting and swallowing these chemicals & hormones ladies!!!! This really took an unexpected turn...To end on a less weird note, I discovered something that I had long forgotten. STUFFING POPCORN IN YOUR MOUTH LIKE A SAVAGE. I am usually a small handful, 2 piece at a time person but c'mon is there anything better than jammin the biggest possible handful in your mouth at a time?! I realized this last night while watching America's next Top Model (oh the irony) and then just enjoyed the rest post cry. Ahhhhhh much better.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009


Oh what a glorious morning. Woke up at 7:30. I hobbled out to turn on the coffee, flipped on the Bose - happened to be on "Dim the Lights -Carl Henry" I mighta pulled a bit of a dance move. Forgot my blinds were wide open and construction workers are DIRECTLY outside my window. One waved while they all stared in my window. CUTE. Good thing I had my jammies on. It's unfortunate that I can only close one half of the blind sooo me and the boys are stuck with each other. Entertainment is entertainment right? A couple of them are definitely hot. This brings me to today's topic. I'd take a dirty ripped up construction dude ANY DAY over a STUFFY SUIT. I can appreciate the suits. I really can. However if I am so lucky to have a choice: GIMME THE HARD HATS!!! Ahhhhh :)....I mean as long as they don't spit. I am not talking about the horny old ones who whistle at anything with legs either. I guess I jut dig a manlier man. I am more impressed with old school chivalry and BRUTE STRENGTH than I am a briefcase and a Benz, but to each their own.
Interesting physio appt this morning. I only had to get half naked. It sorta sucked standing in the mirrored gym in only a sports bra. It's actually a cruel punishment for a gal who has been BFF's with her BED for two months. Mini Mite has decided this afternoon she is gonna tape up my abs. Cool. I guess they use this special tape that will help me isolate my core muscles. Have I mentioned the past two weeks have been spent on glorified KEGELS? So here I am naked doing pelvic moves. WOW. It doesn't get much better than this. Happy Tuesday!

Monday, October 5, 2009

Big Ups for Turd Burglers

So yeah I'm lazy. Nothing has happened, I mean nothing deemed blog worthy. It really comes down to laziness and lack motivation to do anything other than watch HBO, eat ice cream, Sleeeeeeeeeep and repeat. It's not like I have been documenting life shattering events. Meih. I was let outta rehab on good behavior on Thursday. When my Mom arrived I nearly cried with relief. Thank fuck I can avoid plastic bedding and cripple cheer for a few days. Hmmm. I had a meeting with the mad cow on Friday. This is good news - a large financial development actually. I have consolidated all of my debt due to the spectacular rates and re-newed my mortgage early. The rate is worth the impending mad cow disease. Since I have been living with the parents I have paid off all of my other misc. debts (that god damned water bill that has been giving me nightmares for over a year....) I have also managed to rent out my entire house. (Three cheers to the United Nations!) Soooooo while I am recovering I am getting the roof replaced and renovating both bathrooms. I should be doing the moonwalk or something. This is a mother fucking miracle. I actually have my shit together. Financially. I even upped my RRSP contributions -- en route to freedom 45! So that was Friday. Saturday, my Soul provider paid me a visit...I don't need to name names, umm and Sunday I did a lot of nothing. Actually I did like 500 crunches, 100 push ups and other random core exercises. (told ya they let me out on good behavior!) I had an appointment this morning with the surgeon. This woman has FANTASTIC SHOES. Every time I see her I drool and can't stop going on about them. Today they were brown leather riding boots. They were BEAUTIFUL. When I asked her about said delicious boots she advised they were specially made for her in Calgary. Well la ti daa....but it just so happens Mom and Dad are going out next week....and I mean I would be deserving...I think....So medically I am kicking some serious ass. The moonboot is never going away. At least another 6 weeks. The kicker is the biggest part of my "rehab" is "gait training" and that isn't so possible with the boot. Soooooooo apparently they are having a "case conference" on me tomorrow to re evaluate how I am to be "rehabed". I am thinking I will do another few weeks they'll send me home and then I'll have to come back in December. Merry Christmas! So anyway, after the appointment I purchased some more food at Sobe's (so I could avoid the cafeteria again this week) and Mama dropped me off. Poor thing didn't get outta the parking lot before blowing a tire. That sucked (CAA!) Sooooo I went to my PM physio. The Mini Mite was stoked silly about this breathing/how it is related to all movements or somethin conference she attended on the weekend (what a keener huh?) and she aksed if I would be her guini pig. Always up for a good time, I whole heartedly agreed, but then it got weird. I pretty much had to get naked. I mean I'm down with the nude, but it was really unexpected. I was wearing this shitty ass bra that shoulda been burned in 2003 and "hello kitty" underwear. Sexy I was not. My legs were shaved so I guess that counts for something. So anyway naked HP was required for her to watch my rib cage, how I breathe and how it effects my pelvic floor or something....maybe she just wanted me naked? can't be certain. All in all it was a very productive afternoon. I had a lean cuisine for supper (this may or may not be related to my nude scene) and have been I-Podding my brains out since. That's all.