Monday, October 19, 2009

Ode to Cat Pee

I have a cat. His name is Stanley. He is 16 years old. Stan is missin a few teeth, a few marbles and weighs in at a svelte 18lbs. He is very demanding. Due to his size and age he gets whatever he wants whenever he wants. Since my parents have been in Alberta I have been the farm hand on the weekends and my Aunt through the week. Stan has a bad habit of waking up at 3am for a pee break. Here's the thing: I think that is BOGUS. If he relieves himself late enough in the night there is NO need for this. He is just being a fat bastard. I refuse to do it, and so my unfortunate story begins....

I decided last night to sleep in my parents bed. Creepy? Yes. However, for those of you who have experienced the "cloud in paradise" feeling that is sleepin in such bed then you would be doin it too. (and they weren't IN the bed!) The point being, my parents room is all the way UPSTAIRS. It takes immense effort on my part, but considering the rents get back today I felt it would be worth it. Around 11pm Earle was in his doggie bed (Simon was MIA) and Stanley waddled along with me. Watched some Project Runway (yay!) enjoyed approximately 13 mini O'Henry's and 6 mini bags of Reeses Pieces (yum!) and fell asleep.

You know how your Mom always says not to go to bed on a full stomach cause you'll have bad dreams?! Damnit why are they always right?! It was the kinda dream where you are still in bed and everything looks the same but it's REAL SCARY. I knew it was a dream and kept saying "wake up, wake up, wake up...." I would wake up, and then just go right back into the dream again. It was a cruel punishment for a girl who can't move quickly and just ate herself happy. When I did finally get outta the dream sequence it was 3am. Stanley was snoring beside me (deviated septum due to an unfortunate meeting with a Cougar - a real life one - not your Mom) Turned on the lamp. Listened to the rain. Told myself I wasn't scared, even though I am in the middle of The Blair Witch K-Penny Project... Eventually fell back asleep, but not before I realized I hadn't locked the door. No one will steal me lookin like this.

4AM: Woke up to Stan the Man banging his HUGE paw against the door. Fuck. Didn't move. He continued.

4:15: Stan is now beside my head batting my eye with his huge ass paw. Blew air in his face and told him to lye down and stop being a pussy.

4:20: Wailing. The cat, not me.

4:45: Stanley is now throwing himself against the door to the bathroom because it makes a loud clatter noise. I consider strangling him. I am NOT getting up until at least 6am to let him out. My leg is throbbing. I cover my head with the pillow.

5:30: He is now eating/licking my hair and purring louder than my hair dryer (head still firmly under the pillow)

5:45: Must have dozed off for a second because I jumped out of my skin when he squawked in my ear. Blew in his face again. Since I was still on my tummy, he crawled on my back. Silence. Why are my feet wet? wait, my legs....Oh fuck no.

5:50: Stanley peed. GERIATRIC PEE at that. Not only did he pee the bed but he chose to PISS ALL OVER ME. I am going to beat the furry bastard with my Moonboot. There are few things in life that smell worse than Stanley pee. I was haggard as Shiz about it. He ran down the stairs faster than I have seen him move in at least 10 years. I didn't yell as I really was speechless. It took me about 9 minutes to get downstairs to let him out. Thankfully, there was an extra thick kinda plastic mattress cover under the fitted sheet (I realize that is mildly alarming and kinda gross?) but anyway it didn't ruin the mattress.

6:15: In shower scrubbing the piss off my body.

6:20: Dump baking soda, stain remover and extra detergent all over the bedding and learn how to use my Mama's heavy duty front loader (don't tell though, I thoroughly enjoy the free laundry service)

6:30: Gimp downstairs. Took some pain pills. Climb into my real bed. Sigh. Hear scratching at the door. Oops, forgot to let Earley the dog back in. Swear. Hobble to the door. Let Earl in. I love Earl. He never once has pissed on me.

6:35: Climb in bed AGAIN. Close my eyes. Is that snoring?! Open one eye. Sweet shit it's Stanley lying beside me. He must have snuck back in when I let the Dog in. Smile. He's old. He couldn't hold it. He was just layin the smack down. Showin me who's boss. I love him anyway.

Stanley Rules.

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