Friday, November 23, 2012

Jesus had a Mo, No?

I love Movemebr. It screams of dirty sexy awesomeness!!
Any other month of the year you better believe I don’t wanna see that molester mo up in my area but the month before Christ eats cake is perfectly acceptable. Jesus had a mo. Not that I find Jesus particularly “dirty sexy” but…pretty awesome none the less.

I initially started blogging as a time-suck during my adventures in rehab. Well, the adventures continue and although I am now back to “functioning” it really never gets less interesting.
I am (supposed to) follow a strict gym regimen and follow up with my team of doctors every few months. I get to strut around in my funderpants, get hooked to electrodes and have multiple delicious vials of botulism shot into my crazy, crampy muscles. They usually will bring in a few med students so I have learned to:

1. Actually wear underwear and
2. Realize my mutated little foot is giving them a total geek-gasm so just grin and be a giver.

So anyway, the dude who hooked me up to the electrodes was seriously participating in Movember. I was “assuming the posish” on the “craftmatic” bed (in very fun funderpants) and in my most serious Napoleon Dynamite voice said:

“ I like your Mo”
The guy smiled big and laughed LOUD, so much so that I started laughing HYSTERICALLY. Everyone who knows me knows I cannot do voice impressions to save my life, and this Mo-Licious got it! I realize now he might not have actually “gotten it” and just thought I was mentally handicapped to boot but whateves. Sooo we chatted away for a bit and the Doctor arrived to “shoot me up” with the B-tox. For those who don’t understand: They inject the botulism stuff into my muscles to sort of “paralyze” them. So you know how Joan Rivers gets it to freeze her face? I get it to chill out my spastic muscles. Anyway, they put lots in my adductors (yup right next to my vag) and some in my calf and ankle. HOWEVER! This time they thought why not try putting some in the bottom of my foot. The Mo-Dynamite offered to hold down my leg (so I didn’t flinch when they put the needle in the sole of my foot) and he goes:

“Dude, you’re about to get 4 killer shots of botulism, while hooked to electrodes in your underwear, stop smiling, it’s weird”

Pretty funny Mister mustache. I guess it was sort of weird.

Anyway, I talked to another surgeon and they told me their deepest medical thoughts and checked out my new hip ex-rays. I cringed a bit because all I could see was my stupid belly ring that I “forgot” to remove and if you have ever seen one of those suckers on X-Ray film you know what I mean. It really STANDS out. Not that a belly piercing is anything to be embarrassed about but I know they ALSO all saw my 15 year old tramp stamp during the injections and I’m trying to be serious here. This is my business face. I’m puttin’ on my business socks. You know?

On that note I could take this opportunity to update ya’ll on my laser hair removal progress….but some things are sacred. Ha.

Long story short: I must amp up my physical fitness and get with the program (again). I have been half- heartedly working at it, but the injections make my muscles very very weak so I have to turbo try to compensate for that and also give up “Eat- your- face -off -Fridays” (and every other day ending in Y lately) Although my frame is small –and I generally keep my cookies in order – 5 extra pounds (of love) on me is like 30 to a normal (non- bionic) human. It’s pretty annoying really. So anyway the rehab doctor left me with these words of wisdom:

“ You are one tough little chicken now don't mess around and I’ll see you in the New Year”

Oh fuck. I could elaborate on how I feel re : the above statement… but won’t.
Also the irony of her calling me a “little chicken” was not lost on me. (super-sized big crunch please!!)

So I went “home” The flu promptly ensued shutting down my sketchy immune system therefore causing my kidneys to inflame and lots of other nasty little special effects. Therefore, I have been home, and decidedly jumping back on the blogger bus.
I have sooooo much more to report, but best go for now. I have a hot date with Magic Mike. Channing Tatum naked mid Movember makes me very happy.