Monday, May 16, 2011

LL Bean makes a Mean Raincoat....

I actually love the rain. When I was Elementary school, on rainy days, my Mom would always meet me on my lunch hour and walk home with me in the rain. She had this huge see through retro-fabulous umbrella. It was like this perfect little bubble of happiness.

Sadly, my Mom doesn't meet me for lunch with her happy bubble these days.

I am sitting here listening to some Free Willy/Michael Jackson compilation eating chips and dip. WTF is up with the soul-ful whisper-talk part at the end? Please save the whales but MJ lock it up already. I just laughed out loud. I'm not gonna lie the gospel-esque clapping parts are sort of uplifting. Maybe I need to start going to church. Brown people church. They clearly have more fun on Sundays.

I was just informed that the world is ending on Saturday. For the Christians that is. The rest of ya's get to rot on earth for a bit longer. Apparently, we have until Friday to convert, but after that - no deal you fucking sorry sinner! Honest to God. Google this garbage. Some "Christian Businessman" claims it to be gospel. What is wrong with people? To be honest, if the world does have to end I hope it's at least after the Summer. I guess if it ends we will all go together hey? Then I can stop playing 649.

Here is something else. One of my bestest friends, who happens to be single, was like "Married men love me. Young boys love you" Oh Jeeze. She happens to always be right. Another example of her right-ness was last week I was rambling and whaling about my sorry life when she was like "Hales you are not going crazy, you are just about to start your period" I quickly checked my I-phone to double check my cycle (yup, there's an App for that!) and I was like noooooo it's 11 days away. Well Apple needs to get a fertility update cause the next day I was frantically searching the Refinery for a Tampon.


What UP College boys?! I can't even get "boys" my own age on the god damned Internet. Am I aloud to talk about that or is that some kind of hush hush faux pas? Well lets be out with it: EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS TRIED IT AT LEAST ONCE. I have tried it a few times. Plenty of Douche. Every time I check my messages on such site it's like the equivalent of a Big Crunch Combo. Seems like a good idea at the time but leaves you feeling fat and greasy. I put my age, I put recent pics. I don't look super young or super slutty so I don't understand why all the barely legals are sayin "What up Sexxxxxxxxy ;) :) :) :P " I mean, I know I'm not the most mature chick eves but really?! Internet dating is truly a whole other blog in itself in which I will save for another time.

Since I began with my Mother maybe I should continue. My sweet Mama told me last week she thinks the reason I cannot meet a "nice man" is because "I have no social boundaries" What the fuck Mary?! She is certain this guy that I was casually dating didn't want to get "serious" because I wrote about getting my ass hole lasered. First of all, we weren't getting serious because I didn't really like his lips and secondly, because I'm pretty sure WE, as adults, didn't really want anything more. I told her this and she just shook her head. My Dad cheered. He thinks I'm awesome. Him and all the spiky haired, Ed Hardied, ready to pardddy Club thangs. Pass the Gravy.

Oh and lets just get this out of the way. Whats up with brutal girls who get to be engaged like 15 times?! Yeah. I'm gonna go there. I don't particularly want to be engaged parse BUT a decent set of lips would be nice. How is it that boring Fugz seem to be wheelin' and deelin' out all these marriage proposals?! I know like, 15 girls on facebook that have been engaged to 3 different guys this year alone. I'm calling bullshit.

I need to stop writing about College boys and Fugz.

So, the other day a friend of mine advised that she happened to come across her parents sex toys. Yup. Wrapped in an LL Bean Rain Coat. Considering we are preparing to board the Ark, I thought this would be an appropriate topic. Soooo wrapped in a sturdy, yellow, cape cod style rain coat was two HUGE his and her dildo's - complete with a prostate tickler. Instead of being disturbed (and throwing them out the window she took pictures) Pictures with her head beside them (you know for "size perspective") and then texted said pics to her entire friends list. Gosh I know the best peeps.

That's all I have to say right now.