Sunday, November 15, 2009

My milk shake brings all the boys to the yard....

I like reporting on good things. Like, things I consider good. Food items today:

I really like good coffee. I have been grinding my own beans as of late. Experimenting. After two days it got old and so I went on a hunt for some new fresh grinds. Found! "Just Us" Organic, Free Trade - Italian Roast. YUM. It's very dark, but that's how I love it. If you're a java wimp you might want to start out with a milder brew but I prefer living dangerously.

Also, Just to put it out there, I mixed smoothies WAY before they were cool. I was given er, (thanks to Mary) in Elementary school. We even had a flax grinder (well really a coffee grinder in disguise) Who effin knew how ahead of the times we were? Anyway, just wanted to send a shout out to all the hippie Mama's....

I have been experimenting with the best mentioned above I do get lazy, So yeah I did blow $60 on this organic Vegan all natural powder. It quite frankly tastes like shit and I shoulda just stuck with my cheapo Vanilla Whey...but who the hell am I kidding? I don't need much extra protein these days. Day time TV really doesn't take up that much energy. None the less, here is my favorite new smoothie concoction. It'll make yer innards sing, or in my case -rap.

HP's Spinach can be Sexy Smoothie

-- a shot or two of pure Aloe Vera Juice (in Organic Section Super Store - very good for your lady parts or manly muscles - google it)
-- a shot or two of water
-- a dollop or two of sensible yogurt. (aka not kiddie shit) - I like the raspberry green tea flavour
-- a sprinkle or two of ground organic Flax Seed
-- a handful or two of baby Spinach
-- Half of a banana
-- Handful of no sugar added Frozen Berries (if using fresh just add an ice cube for a frosty drink)

So you put all of this in a blender and you guessed it, blend. Now, please note that the Aloe Juice is very bitter. (the worse it tastes the better it is for you) The banana is crucial. If you don't dig the 'nans then add some stevia syrup, or honey or something. I happen to have an industrial strength blender so it really whips up the spinach and frozen items nice. If you don't you might wanna use the spinach cubes (in the frozen food isle) they are sometimes more mixable as it's kinda gross to get a soggy leaf in your mouth. I have also added a half of a cup of Veggie juice in place of the Spinach.

Drink this and it buys ya a free pass for a cheeseburger (with extra mayo and bacon) :)

Saturday, November 14, 2009

If you talkin shit you better close yo lipz

Happy Saturday! (That is me being nice to all you workin folk)

Ahh Reno's are no fun. Mike Holmes makes it look easy. It fucking sucks hard ass balls Mike. I can't even sensor out the bad words. I'll give you a run down in point form - If you don't already know I (not physically of course, but am signing the cheque) am gutting my upstairs bathroom, having my downstairs one tweaked, my roof re-done and other misc house fixer upers)

- Truck arrived last Monday with all my stuff.
- Men proceeded to track dog poop through out my house while delivering mentioned stuff.
- Laughed. Not a big deal. It did take over an hour to clean and it smelled worse than man and horse poop combined, but whatev.
- A few crucial items are on back order (pretty sure that just means they FORGOT to order)
-Meih, not a big deal. I refuse to get flapped.
- Everything gets ripped the eff out. I tried to get them to put my old toilets on the neighbors doorstep but no dice.
- Realize my bathroom floor is extremely crooked and the Shower insert is a defect.
- Not getting upset. It's ok.
-Shower fixed, floor fixed - took the poor peeps like 9 hours.
-Items still back ordered so we went to EVERY store in the city to find them.
-The flooring is in but does NOT look as expected. (a bit dark and industrial looking)
- It's ok, who cares about the floor anyway?
- Tub/shower continue to be a bitch. Re insulated and re framed.
- Not to make anything easy I must have chosen the most complicated vanity to assemble. Took approx 6.5 hours.
- The paint is going on like glue. I paid about $50/gallon for the "best" Who the eff ends up with defective PAINT?! The poor painter put two coats on the ceiling and it looks like nothing was is making my walls "bubble"....Hmmm....
- When putting the top on the Vanity and check the Taps (the ones that were back ordered and I looked EVERYWHERE for) don't fit BECAUSE they actually gave me the WRONG top. (it's a one holer and I need a three) Tell me it is going to take min 2 weeks to re order.
- Ok I'm a bit pissed.
- Poor tenants have gone 3 days sans shower. They are so gracious and sweet it makes me feel worse.
- Second bathroom (just face lift) stuff arrived and it is damaged and has to be sent back. Pattern?
- The roof guy just never shows up. Pretty sure the money is gonna be gone anyway.

That's the nutshell version thus far. I type this as a lie in my cushy bed in my "perfect" parents house....I guess thats how she rolls.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

A Letter to my Mother

Dear Mom,

If I could interview and hand pick myself the perfect Mother, it would be you. In my opinion, that's sayin somethin. Somethin pretty huge I think. Nate and I hit the parental jackpot. Genetically, not so much, but shit, ya can't have it all right?

That being said, I need to bring a few things to your attention. When we are out in public, if you could refrain from calling me "Hunny Bunny" I would greatly appreciate it. It's not that I don't LIKE the term of endearment you have chosen for me. (Heck, I sorta love it) However, when your "Hunny Bunny" is approaching THIRTY the general public finds this alarming. Confusing maybe. To be honest, I'm pretty sure they do double takes and then assume I am actually retarded. I mean, I would like to say that I don't care what people think but that would be a huge lie. You didn't raise a liar. A flighty, passionate drama queen MAYBE buuut not a liar.

Secondly, lets discuss phone etiquette. You are the master. So it's confusing to me when EVERY SINGLE voice mail you leave (and trust me, there are a LOT of them) me make me question your sanity. They all begin with "Hi Haley, This is your Mother" please excuse my language but NO SHIT. I'm pretty sure "Mother" that I can recognize your voice. I'm pretty sure stroked out and toothless I would still know it - however I do have caller ID - so really this takes care of any guess work after said stroke. The recording then goes on with a RIDICULOUSLY long message that includes EVERY possible detail, sighs and all. Yes, I laugh EVERY time you include my Dad in there too. It's pretty adorable, BUT seriously at then end when you reiterate and then include your phone number it's just plain insulting. I also find it weird that you save every voice mail that I leave you and then replay them on the speaker phone for all to hear. When I confronted you about this and you replied with a "Well, I just want to make sure that I have something saved with your voice" Jesus H Christ. My final memoir will go something like this: "Hi Ma, It's Me! I didn't call Grampie yet, but I will! Yes, I did write all the thank you notes, Yes I took my calcium supplement, read the news article you left on the table AND cleaned out the dryer vent. I hope you had a good day -Love you! Bye!" How depressing. After you told me that I actually shed a tear.

Anyway, just a few points I wanted to bring up. Thank you for doing all of my laundry today and making the yummiest cookies ever.

Love Always,

"Your Daughter"

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Never Trust a Fat Dietician

I noticed the other day that an alarming number of "engineers" end their correspondences with "Cheers". I agree, it is better than "Regards" but strange it seems to be that grouping in particular. Especially considering the breed is not known for being particularly Cheery. I kid of course. Some of my favies are of this profession, but it must be a cult thing.

I also am noticing right now that Sean Kingston looks like one of those creepy marionette puppets. I also had a nightmare that involved Miley Cyrus the other night. Achy Breaky Heart was playing in the background. There is something about her lips that give me the willies. No joke. While we are on the subject, if I hear that Already Gone song one more time (by Kelly Clarkson) I am going to rip out my own eye lashes.

Speaking of eye lashes, one of my favorite friends gave me a gift certificate for eye lash extensions the other day. Decadence is my specialty. If you have ever seen these done they are wickedly awesome, and NO they don't make ya look like that chick from Drew Carry. This same girl gave me a new bikini. I made the mistake of wearing it while on the elliptical. Will not do that again. It felt like a good idea at the time....

I woke up with a stomach ache this morning. I think the four cups of coffee aggravated the situation...maybe it's the fucking swine flu. If I hear ONE more thing about H1N1 I am going to vomit. Sometimes society needs to just chill OUT. We get so flapped up over stuff we know nothing about. I mean something tells me the average Saint Johner knows dick shiz about this. Their Aunt said its gonna give em ADHD and it all goes to heck. When it is my turn, I'll probably be in line. I doubt we would be shootin up the Pregs if it was seriously dangerous. I also find it mildly amusing that the same people who "are not injecting themselves with the dangerous substance" are the same people who eat pre packaged everything and socially smoke. Think about it people.

I am craving a grilled cheese. Ooh nothing better than a buttery grilled cheese made with real cheddar with some tomato soup and a sliced apple. I might also make those cookies....but first lets try on that bikini again....

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Booty Bounce

Yesterday I was ridin the K-Pen Ferry and witnessed a great family moment. There was a van next to our car. It was a Dad with his two little girls crammed in the front seat. I notice him only because I can hear serious base booming from the Caravan. He is doing the head nod - rockin out. Cute. The little girls are in full force. The hair is swinging, arms wavin, singin their little hearts out. The oldest of the two was especially animated. Eager to show up her little sister, all of a sudden she braced her arms against the opposite door and whips out the full fledged Booty Bounce. This little bum would put Beyonce to shame. It was almost wrong considering she was all of five. What topped it all off was the little sister mid booty bounce started tappin that ass. Spankin away. At that point I glanced at the Dad who was hysterical. If it wasn't so innocent it would be a bit alarming. Ahh Family Matters.