A Letter to my Mother

Dear Mom,

If I could interview and hand pick myself the perfect Mother, it would be you. In my opinion, that's sayin somethin. Somethin pretty huge I think. Nate and I hit the parental jackpot. Genetically, not so much, but shit, ya can't have it all right?

That being said, I need to bring a few things to your attention. When we are out in public, if you could refrain from calling me "Hunny Bunny" I would greatly appreciate it. It's not that I don't LIKE the term of endearment you have chosen for me. (Heck, I sorta love it) However, when your "Hunny Bunny" is approaching THIRTY the general public finds this alarming. Confusing maybe. To be honest, I'm pretty sure they do double takes and then assume I am actually retarded. I mean, I would like to say that I don't care what people think but that would be a huge lie. You didn't raise a liar. A flighty, passionate drama queen MAYBE buuut not a liar.

Secondly, lets discuss phone etiquette. You are the master. So it's confusing to me when EVERY SINGLE voice mail you leave (and trust me, there are a LOT of them) me make me question your sanity. They all begin with "Hi Haley, This is your Mother" please excuse my language but NO SHIT. I'm pretty sure "Mother" that I can recognize your voice. I'm pretty sure stroked out and toothless I would still know it - however I do have caller ID - so really this takes care of any guess work after said stroke. The recording then goes on with a RIDICULOUSLY long message that includes EVERY possible detail, sighs and all. Yes, I laugh EVERY time you include my Dad in there too. It's pretty adorable, BUT seriously at then end when you reiterate and then include your phone number it's just plain insulting. I also find it weird that you save every voice mail that I leave you and then replay them on the speaker phone for all to hear. When I confronted you about this and you replied with a "Well, I just want to make sure that I have something saved with your voice" Jesus H Christ. My final memoir will go something like this: "Hi Ma, It's Me! I didn't call Grampie yet, but I will! Yes, I did write all the thank you notes, Yes I took my calcium supplement, read the news article you left on the table AND cleaned out the dryer vent. I hope you had a good day -Love you! Bye!" How depressing. After you told me that I actually shed a tear.

Anyway, just a few points I wanted to bring up. Thank you for doing all of my laundry today and making the yummiest cookies ever.

Love Always,

"Your Daughter"