Sunday, February 20, 2011

No Fuzz

Hi, my name is Haley, and I practice Laser Hair Removal.

I have been one with the "beam" for about 6 months. Many have requested I document this very interesting and, dare I say, intimate experience. I haven't done so, as I thought it may be a bit "over the line" Then again, who am I kidding? Nothing is over "my line". What I will say is, if you are at all squeamish, if I have to work with you - in a professional environment - or if you happen to be an extremely hot male please just do us both a favour and stop reading this now.


Here's the thing. It's really my Mom's fault. She thought it would be a "dream come true" to never shave her legs again. The laser is permanent people! So she decided I should try it out for the BOTH of us. She used the excuse that I have a lot of surgeries, so hell! maybe we can get it written off. You know, as a medical expense. This has yet to be approved - Thanks for nothing (except no babies) Blue Cross.

Anyway, me being me - I believe in doing nothing half assed - decided to get the full meal deal. Full Leg, bikini and under arms. Since I was going to be the Guingna pig, and since I am a tad spoiled, Mama offered to pay for the first treatment. I must say, being a hairless porn star ain't cheap - One treatment costs close to my monthly mortgage payment...and so I digress?

Alright. So I get there. They tell me to pretty much get naked and gave me a piece of paper poorly disguised as a blanket to hide my bits under. Meih, Whatevs. They asked me if I had taken some Advil and how high I felt my pain tolerance was. I should note they make you fill out 10 pages worth of "health info" which, in the end, I'm pretty sure it's just so they have your signature (of approval) in case they actually burn your hairy ass right off. That's fine. I waste no time telling her I took two double D's (all hail Delotted!) in the car - but that's only because my bones are healing right? not cause she is about to laser beam the hair off of my entire body.

So let the laser tag games begin! To say it was uncomfortable is a bit of an understatement. It felt like a million tiny elastics were snapping at each individual gorilla hair. No pain no gain right?! I did request she turn up the strength as I want to try and get this whole no hair thing under way in less than six treatments. I did take the opportunity (when she was doing my bikini area) to negotiate a better price - she knocked off $150 bones - you gotta get em when weak!
2 hours later I limped out (even more so) covered in bruises and Polysporn.

A week went by, the bruising faded, and then all of a sudden the hair just sort of all fell out. You know in cartoons when the chicken gets scared and all it's feathers fall out instantly? it was sort of like that. Freaky Deaky. My underarms were the best part of all. I went 2 months without shaving them. As previously noted I'm pretty sure my brother is half chimp.

Fast forward 6 months and I am now on my third treatment/session. I ended up switching "laser salons" as I realized I was being violently bum raped (price wise) at my initial location.

Yup, this is when it gets good.

So my "new girl" is young, sweet and most importantly very professional. My plan for the day was to get my full legs, bikini and underarms as I have done in the past. Now, when I say "bikini" I'm sure you are all aware that, that's really just for a few strays that might jiffy pop out of your um bikini. I had some reservations on getting my whole...well lets just say it -bird - lasered as I have been told that once you get old (and pop out a few aliens) that things can start to sag and well no one wants to see that bald beaver right? SO, my plan THAT DAY was to actually go get a Brazilian WAX post laser treatment. This is important info, because girls, as you know - you sorta have to be "grown out" to get the Brazilian Wax. SO after filling out 10 pages of paperwork, and swearing to HPV that I don't have herpes, I get up on the table, cover my bits with the paper blanket and tell her to hit me.

So we start with my under arms. She is zapping away while I am trying to act tough...and I tend to ramble right? SO I decide to tell her that I am going to get a Brazilian after this bit of torture, and that I have never let wax tough my inner bird - (oh not to mention ass hole) so I was a bit tense. WELL. She told me that for just $99 plus tax she would give me a Brazilian LASER with the underarms included - a Valen-times SPECIAL. Well we all know I love the V-Day and I super love a SALE. So I thought, what the fudge? who cares if it sags later? Lets laser my bird!

So back to how you kinda "grow it out" for a wax job. Right. You can't have hair when you go get lasered cause it actually burns the hair and then will burn your skin. Now since she was going to fry my labia (and ass hole) with a laser she recommended using some "numbing cream" BUT FIRST she exclaimed and I QUOTE "we better shave the situation" Alright. My dignity walked out the door in the early 90's right? I seriously have no shame. But was I REALLY gonna let this poor sweet girl shave my Rain Forrest-esque SITUATION?!!! I sort of wanted to let her - just for kicks - but thought better of it. She is gonna laser my ass hole lest we forget. So I told her to hand over the razer and I'd handle it. She gave me a towel and stepped out. Ok, so seriously. This was a GROWN OUT BUSH that I was supposed to DRY SHAVE with a dollar store BIC on this table?! ho-lay. I somehow managed but wasn't able to be as thorough as I would have liked.

"We" applied the numbing cream. It wasn't hot for all you sicko's - it was with a friggin Popsicle stick. Fine. I didn't feel anything go numb but didn't want to be a whiny pussy so just shut up. I don't know how to put the experience into words. It hurt - a lot. It smelled like burning. It was my poor bird getting fried right in front of my eyes (oh and you have to wear these ridiculous goggles too)

So we got to umm...the bum. Those Brazilians sure know how to get er done hey? So it's a little awkward cause you have to lay on your side, hold one knee up to your chest and then Hold, ahem spread, your bum cheek open. Good thing I ain't shy. Again, I do tend to get she is goin at it and I smell INTENSE burning and it fucking to try and get my mind off of this horrible. horrible experience THIS is what comes out of my mouth:

"So do you think I have a hemorrhoid?"

*laser turns off*


"Um, do you think I have a hemorrhoid?"

*queue hysterical-fall out of the chair- laughter from sweet laser chick*

Well fuck, I dunno, what in the hell do you say when someone is shooting your ass hole with a hot burning laser? She kindly told me that I did NOT have hemorrhoids.

Howevs, with that out of the way, I think she figured that it's balls to the wall time. SOoo she proceeds to tell me a story from when she was in "Brazilian Laser school" Her instructor (had instructed) that any client that gets a Brazilian (wait for it) must prior to treatment....insert a tampon into their rectum.


So I convulse into hysterical laughter (hand still on bum cheek) APPARENTLY if the "client" passes gas and the gas mixes with the laser beam it can cause some kind of EXPLOSION. HYSTERICAL RIGHT? We both laughed so hard we cried. She told me no one else in the class laughed. Were they dead?! but she honestly didn't have the heart to ask me to put a tampon up my bum. Imagine that conversation. I sort of wish we could have had it actually. That would have made the story much better. It would have gone something like this:

"Now remove all of your clothing, hop up on the table and cover yourself with the paper provided. Don't worry I'll shave your gorilla cooch for you, but OH! don't forget to insert this TAMPON up your ass first.


I promised not to pass gas and we finished up quite nicely. We actually exchanged cell numbers and email addresses as really, now we are sorta soul mates right?

It has been a bit over a week since this treatment experience. My hair has yet to all fall out but that's not abnormal. My bird has seen prettier days but that is "to be expected" Also due to me begging for her to "crank the power" my bum crack is a little burnt. Ok a LOT burnt. Again, no pain no gain sista! Overall, I have been very pleased with the results. I go back in 6 more weeks to get the party started again.

I will post the final results -In less detail.

Hope you all have a wonderful week - and if any of you give me a weird "bird glance" next time I see ya over coffee - you are dead to me.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Insane in the Membrane

First of all : HAPPY MOTHER LOVIN SPRING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Second of all : Is it too early to wear no socks?

Thirdly : HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY SPRING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

February truly is my favorite month of the year. Besides it being the month of my Psychological Spring, it is the month of LOVE! I gotta admit: I do love "the love" people. A friend of mine the other day said something that made me tilt my head to the side:

"You know Hales, for such a commitment-phobic-dude you really do love, love"

I was mildly offended. First of all, I am not a "dude" (for the record she was calling me a penis) Secondly, I don't feel I am scared of commitment. I'm scared of all the irresponsible, immature, not very bright, left-overs that Saint John has to offer. I can't commit to something/somebody that has been left in the fridge for a month but shoulda been thrown out on date (er I mean DAY) two. What's love got to do with any of THAT? I mean lets be real. I know there are plenty of "great guys" out there, but none of them are breakin down my door. All you happy little "marrieds" are always the ones saying there are plenty of "great guys out there" What the fuck do you know suzy home-makers?! Please excuse my bitter tone.

I really do Love the LOVE!

Valen-times was/is amazing. My house is in full V-Day/Spring Mode. I did up all my little Valentines (elementary school style) made treat bags, pulled out my red dress, made heart shaped eggs for breakfast. At work we had a yummy muffin brunch. I recieved lots of flowers and cutesy little things that make me happy. I had an A-mazing dinner with a few of my best friends - Wine - butter chicken - gossip - chocolate - Yes!

It even warmed up a bit and melted lots of the the dirty dog shitty snow!

So with all this wonderball Spring n' love shiz goin down why can't I sleep? Terrible intro I know. I seriously haven't slept through the night in a month. We are talkin a 2 hour average. If I really hop myself up on the narcs I can squeeze out 4 hours, but end up wonky-whackified the next day. Frick. I've tried all the tricks. Warm bath, reading, meditation, porn. Nothing works. On week two (right before V-Day) I went to the Pharmacist begging for a natural remedy. She hooked me up with Melatonin pills. Bullshit. Sooo I'm now trying these jumbo vitamin B's that I take in conjunction with the Melatonin. Nothin. I really wish I hadn't abused Nyquil in my earlier years caue even that won't make me snooze anymore. I write lists before bed, I've gotten massages, I have bought myself the best sheets I can afford. My life isn't that stressful. I can't figure it out.

So anyway. No sleep has turned me into a monster. A cookie monster AND a bitch faced monster. I laugh at things that are not that funny (aka the old lady who slips crossing the street)I cry at things not worth crying about (bathroom stall at work = rock bottom) I'm not even matching my panties to my bra these days. Don't even start on the cookies. I actually laid in bed tonight (watching Greys and Private Practice) and mauwed down chips, dip, cookies and coffee cake for phattie sakes! I'm so over-tired I catch myself just sitting in my car not remembering where I'm even going. I hate the people I love the most. I'm grumbly. I'm a bit of a hater really. I don't like it one bit. How do you ass holes even survive?! being a miserable human sucks ballsagna (balls-on-ya)

My brother left me a message at work the other day and it went something like this:

"Heyyy Hale-laa, Mom told me you have lost your smile. I'm happy to hear it. You were too damn happy before and it was pissin everyone off. A shot of reality will do you good. Guess what? I've been called for jury duty. They pay 50 bones a day PLUS transportation. Thats almost like a JOB. Get some sleep so you can get back to being the silly goof ball we all hate - and I'll keep you posted as I slip into the depths of depression"

What a sweetheart. This did make me laugh until I cried in my office cube. Then I REALLY started crying and had to go sit in the stall for a few minutes. On my way back to my "cube" I realized half of the office has those "sun lamps" like the "anti depresant D lights" on full blast. Jumpin Jesus, maybe February isn't so great. Is everyone depressed, not sleeping and eating mass amounts of chips ahoy? Hmm.

I still love the Love, and have a feeling next week will be better. Oh and that old chick wiping out on the street was fucking hilarious. Tired or not.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

God Bless the Groundhog

I like how when I'm in my car alone I forget that it has windows.

Non-tinted windows. Windows that the world can see in. I believe many others forget this little fact as well.

Everyone sings in their car alone. I have full blast, hair flippin concerts. NBD right? Howevs do you know how many people pick their nose in their vehicle?! A LOT.

You do it too right?

Anyway, The other day I was on my way to work. At a red light (while singing some Maggie May) did a quick "face and nose check" (I drive to work at 6:55am so rarely have time to even make sure my pants are right side out) Well, sure enough, I noticed that I had a bit of a boog issue annnnd instead of just taking care of business- I thought to myself - NBD! ("no big deal" for the acronym challenged) I'll fix that latez!


I mean what was more important at that very moment?!!!! Needless to say I actually FORGOT and didn't realize until my 10am pee break that I was walking around with a cliff-hanger for half the morning. This was the same morning I decided to wear a polka dotted ribbony n' frilly undergarments that you could see RIGHT THROUGH my dress. The dress was black. For the most part so were my intimates. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT? Those florescent lights will get you every time. Booger nose? Check! Showing your underwear off to your entire office? check! I had also managed to forget that my year end review was that afternoon so I hadn't prepared anything. I mean I've been out on handy leave for months - why even try at this point?

Sooo of course on my way in to meet my boss I actually stumbled (like nearly fell to the GROUND) and ended up dropping an F-bomb. Very professional. I ended up rambling about nothing and saying something to the effect of "My main objective for 2011 is to actually show up in the morning" My boss gave me this amused little smile and we sat in silence for what seemed to be 15 years. He finally breaks the silence with: "You know what? my son would really like you" It took every ounce of whatever I have inside my polka dotted under garments to not give him a serious eye brow raise. Come on, I was really thinking "Well does he have a job?, Does he have common sense? Does he understand how funny life is? Does he look like Jonny Lang?" Of course, I had to save some dignity and replied with "Well isn't he eight years old? Kids really dig me" That shut it down nice and quick. Anyway, all in all, it ended up going very well. No friggin doubt it was the see through dress. Cripes.

So now lets move on to the gym. I always manage to sit OUTSIDE the gym for a minimum of 20 minutes trying to think of reasons of why I shouldn't go in. It's rid-damn-diculous. I play on facebook, listen to some great light rock hits, pick my nose...I always drag myself in eventually. I always think the same thing "Haley, you are such an idiot" Anyway. So I am on the elliptical. All I can think about is how the girl in front of me has THE BEST bum I have EVER seen in my ENTIRE life (including on TV) So I try to (inconspicuously) stare at it and pretend that is what mine will look like If I continue to lay off the Dorito's. It sort of works. The gym also has this ORGASMIC massage chair. So I always tell myself if I get through the torture I can enjoy 10 minutes of pure unbridled bliss. Oh, and on the topic of gym-ing WHAT UP WITH PEOPLE WHO CAN ACTUALLY READ while doing cardio?!!! I find this act truly AMAZING. I have to focus my full attention on remaining upright and you are flippin through the latest issue of People?! really - I'm impressed AND jealous. Ok so along with the massage chair I get to read trash but ONLY if I can get through an hour of sweaty hell. All you smiley "exercise lovers" can just fuck off already.

I think what I am really trying to say is I have MAD procrastination skills. I put off picking my nose, I manage to NEVER get up early enough in the AM to ensure my underwear are appropriate, I wing ALL of my meetings, I sit outside the gym like a loser....I mean, this was just yesterday people. I have left out countless infuriating examples of my slack-do-it-later-itus.

Oh, and I have already creeped out my bosses son. I do believe he may be 14.

12 more days until Psychological Spring!!!!!!!!!!! XOXOXOX