Sunday, February 20, 2011

No Fuzz

Hi, my name is Haley, and I practice Laser Hair Removal.

I have been one with the "beam" for about 6 months. Many have requested I document this very interesting and, dare I say, intimate experience. I haven't done so, as I thought it may be a bit "over the line" Then again, who am I kidding? Nothing is over "my line". What I will say is, if you are at all squeamish, if I have to work with you - in a professional environment - or if you happen to be an extremely hot male please just do us both a favour and stop reading this now.


Here's the thing. It's really my Mom's fault. She thought it would be a "dream come true" to never shave her legs again. The laser is permanent people! So she decided I should try it out for the BOTH of us. She used the excuse that I have a lot of surgeries, so hell! maybe we can get it written off. You know, as a medical expense. This has yet to be approved - Thanks for nothing (except no babies) Blue Cross.

Anyway, me being me - I believe in doing nothing half assed - decided to get the full meal deal. Full Leg, bikini and under arms. Since I was going to be the Guingna pig, and since I am a tad spoiled, Mama offered to pay for the first treatment. I must say, being a hairless porn star ain't cheap - One treatment costs close to my monthly mortgage payment...and so I digress?

Alright. So I get there. They tell me to pretty much get naked and gave me a piece of paper poorly disguised as a blanket to hide my bits under. Meih, Whatevs. They asked me if I had taken some Advil and how high I felt my pain tolerance was. I should note they make you fill out 10 pages worth of "health info" which, in the end, I'm pretty sure it's just so they have your signature (of approval) in case they actually burn your hairy ass right off. That's fine. I waste no time telling her I took two double D's (all hail Delotted!) in the car - but that's only because my bones are healing right? not cause she is about to laser beam the hair off of my entire body.

So let the laser tag games begin! To say it was uncomfortable is a bit of an understatement. It felt like a million tiny elastics were snapping at each individual gorilla hair. No pain no gain right?! I did request she turn up the strength as I want to try and get this whole no hair thing under way in less than six treatments. I did take the opportunity (when she was doing my bikini area) to negotiate a better price - she knocked off $150 bones - you gotta get em when weak!
2 hours later I limped out (even more so) covered in bruises and Polysporn.

A week went by, the bruising faded, and then all of a sudden the hair just sort of all fell out. You know in cartoons when the chicken gets scared and all it's feathers fall out instantly? it was sort of like that. Freaky Deaky. My underarms were the best part of all. I went 2 months without shaving them. As previously noted I'm pretty sure my brother is half chimp.

Fast forward 6 months and I am now on my third treatment/session. I ended up switching "laser salons" as I realized I was being violently bum raped (price wise) at my initial location.

Yup, this is when it gets good.

So my "new girl" is young, sweet and most importantly very professional. My plan for the day was to get my full legs, bikini and underarms as I have done in the past. Now, when I say "bikini" I'm sure you are all aware that, that's really just for a few strays that might jiffy pop out of your um bikini. I had some reservations on getting my whole...well lets just say it -bird - lasered as I have been told that once you get old (and pop out a few aliens) that things can start to sag and well no one wants to see that bald beaver right? SO, my plan THAT DAY was to actually go get a Brazilian WAX post laser treatment. This is important info, because girls, as you know - you sorta have to be "grown out" to get the Brazilian Wax. SO after filling out 10 pages of paperwork, and swearing to HPV that I don't have herpes, I get up on the table, cover my bits with the paper blanket and tell her to hit me.

So we start with my under arms. She is zapping away while I am trying to act tough...and I tend to ramble right? SO I decide to tell her that I am going to get a Brazilian after this bit of torture, and that I have never let wax tough my inner bird - (oh not to mention ass hole) so I was a bit tense. WELL. She told me that for just $99 plus tax she would give me a Brazilian LASER with the underarms included - a Valen-times SPECIAL. Well we all know I love the V-Day and I super love a SALE. So I thought, what the fudge? who cares if it sags later? Lets laser my bird!

So back to how you kinda "grow it out" for a wax job. Right. You can't have hair when you go get lasered cause it actually burns the hair and then will burn your skin. Now since she was going to fry my labia (and ass hole) with a laser she recommended using some "numbing cream" BUT FIRST she exclaimed and I QUOTE "we better shave the situation" Alright. My dignity walked out the door in the early 90's right? I seriously have no shame. But was I REALLY gonna let this poor sweet girl shave my Rain Forrest-esque SITUATION?!!! I sort of wanted to let her - just for kicks - but thought better of it. She is gonna laser my ass hole lest we forget. So I told her to hand over the razer and I'd handle it. She gave me a towel and stepped out. Ok, so seriously. This was a GROWN OUT BUSH that I was supposed to DRY SHAVE with a dollar store BIC on this table?! ho-lay. I somehow managed but wasn't able to be as thorough as I would have liked.

"We" applied the numbing cream. It wasn't hot for all you sicko's - it was with a friggin Popsicle stick. Fine. I didn't feel anything go numb but didn't want to be a whiny pussy so just shut up. I don't know how to put the experience into words. It hurt - a lot. It smelled like burning. It was my poor bird getting fried right in front of my eyes (oh and you have to wear these ridiculous goggles too)

So we got to umm...the bum. Those Brazilians sure know how to get er done hey? So it's a little awkward cause you have to lay on your side, hold one knee up to your chest and then Hold, ahem spread, your bum cheek open. Good thing I ain't shy. Again, I do tend to get she is goin at it and I smell INTENSE burning and it fucking to try and get my mind off of this horrible. horrible experience THIS is what comes out of my mouth:

"So do you think I have a hemorrhoid?"

*laser turns off*


"Um, do you think I have a hemorrhoid?"

*queue hysterical-fall out of the chair- laughter from sweet laser chick*

Well fuck, I dunno, what in the hell do you say when someone is shooting your ass hole with a hot burning laser? She kindly told me that I did NOT have hemorrhoids.

Howevs, with that out of the way, I think she figured that it's balls to the wall time. SOoo she proceeds to tell me a story from when she was in "Brazilian Laser school" Her instructor (had instructed) that any client that gets a Brazilian (wait for it) must prior to treatment....insert a tampon into their rectum.


So I convulse into hysterical laughter (hand still on bum cheek) APPARENTLY if the "client" passes gas and the gas mixes with the laser beam it can cause some kind of EXPLOSION. HYSTERICAL RIGHT? We both laughed so hard we cried. She told me no one else in the class laughed. Were they dead?! but she honestly didn't have the heart to ask me to put a tampon up my bum. Imagine that conversation. I sort of wish we could have had it actually. That would have made the story much better. It would have gone something like this:

"Now remove all of your clothing, hop up on the table and cover yourself with the paper provided. Don't worry I'll shave your gorilla cooch for you, but OH! don't forget to insert this TAMPON up your ass first.


I promised not to pass gas and we finished up quite nicely. We actually exchanged cell numbers and email addresses as really, now we are sorta soul mates right?

It has been a bit over a week since this treatment experience. My hair has yet to all fall out but that's not abnormal. My bird has seen prettier days but that is "to be expected" Also due to me begging for her to "crank the power" my bum crack is a little burnt. Ok a LOT burnt. Again, no pain no gain sista! Overall, I have been very pleased with the results. I go back in 6 more weeks to get the party started again.

I will post the final results -In less detail.

Hope you all have a wonderful week - and if any of you give me a weird "bird glance" next time I see ya over coffee - you are dead to me.

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