Wednesday, February 2, 2011

God Bless the Groundhog

I like how when I'm in my car alone I forget that it has windows.

Non-tinted windows. Windows that the world can see in. I believe many others forget this little fact as well.

Everyone sings in their car alone. I have full blast, hair flippin concerts. NBD right? Howevs do you know how many people pick their nose in their vehicle?! A LOT.

You do it too right?

Anyway, The other day I was on my way to work. At a red light (while singing some Maggie May) did a quick "face and nose check" (I drive to work at 6:55am so rarely have time to even make sure my pants are right side out) Well, sure enough, I noticed that I had a bit of a boog issue annnnd instead of just taking care of business- I thought to myself - NBD! ("no big deal" for the acronym challenged) I'll fix that latez!


I mean what was more important at that very moment?!!!! Needless to say I actually FORGOT and didn't realize until my 10am pee break that I was walking around with a cliff-hanger for half the morning. This was the same morning I decided to wear a polka dotted ribbony n' frilly undergarments that you could see RIGHT THROUGH my dress. The dress was black. For the most part so were my intimates. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT? Those florescent lights will get you every time. Booger nose? Check! Showing your underwear off to your entire office? check! I had also managed to forget that my year end review was that afternoon so I hadn't prepared anything. I mean I've been out on handy leave for months - why even try at this point?

Sooo of course on my way in to meet my boss I actually stumbled (like nearly fell to the GROUND) and ended up dropping an F-bomb. Very professional. I ended up rambling about nothing and saying something to the effect of "My main objective for 2011 is to actually show up in the morning" My boss gave me this amused little smile and we sat in silence for what seemed to be 15 years. He finally breaks the silence with: "You know what? my son would really like you" It took every ounce of whatever I have inside my polka dotted under garments to not give him a serious eye brow raise. Come on, I was really thinking "Well does he have a job?, Does he have common sense? Does he understand how funny life is? Does he look like Jonny Lang?" Of course, I had to save some dignity and replied with "Well isn't he eight years old? Kids really dig me" That shut it down nice and quick. Anyway, all in all, it ended up going very well. No friggin doubt it was the see through dress. Cripes.

So now lets move on to the gym. I always manage to sit OUTSIDE the gym for a minimum of 20 minutes trying to think of reasons of why I shouldn't go in. It's rid-damn-diculous. I play on facebook, listen to some great light rock hits, pick my nose...I always drag myself in eventually. I always think the same thing "Haley, you are such an idiot" Anyway. So I am on the elliptical. All I can think about is how the girl in front of me has THE BEST bum I have EVER seen in my ENTIRE life (including on TV) So I try to (inconspicuously) stare at it and pretend that is what mine will look like If I continue to lay off the Dorito's. It sort of works. The gym also has this ORGASMIC massage chair. So I always tell myself if I get through the torture I can enjoy 10 minutes of pure unbridled bliss. Oh, and on the topic of gym-ing WHAT UP WITH PEOPLE WHO CAN ACTUALLY READ while doing cardio?!!! I find this act truly AMAZING. I have to focus my full attention on remaining upright and you are flippin through the latest issue of People?! really - I'm impressed AND jealous. Ok so along with the massage chair I get to read trash but ONLY if I can get through an hour of sweaty hell. All you smiley "exercise lovers" can just fuck off already.

I think what I am really trying to say is I have MAD procrastination skills. I put off picking my nose, I manage to NEVER get up early enough in the AM to ensure my underwear are appropriate, I wing ALL of my meetings, I sit outside the gym like a loser....I mean, this was just yesterday people. I have left out countless infuriating examples of my slack-do-it-later-itus.

Oh, and I have already creeped out my bosses son. I do believe he may be 14.

12 more days until Psychological Spring!!!!!!!!!!! XOXOXOX

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