Dirty Catholics

There are some things I just won't blog about. I try to keep it all about me, because it is my choice to document lame everyday life. Internet Gossip can be vicious. I mean in real life we all do it. Know what I hate? I hate the peeps (girls are THE WORST) who are all like "I'm not one to judge, and/or It might not be my place to say this...." OH COME ON. This goes right along with "I'm not racist or anything but..." Get real people. We all poop. We all laugh at the occasional racist joke (fuck most of us laugh at them all) We all want to star on So you think you can Dance. We all talk about each other. Some are just more humane about it.

In my 29 years I have heard many stories. I have lived through hilarious insanity. Reality can be deeply depressing but it can also be so refreshingly funny. It's the little things that get me goin. I have been sittin on this one for the past year or so. The fact that I still think of it regularly and actually L O L makes it a good one I think. It really makes you realize we are NOT all on the same wave length and I suppose, that's what makes the world go round. I am hyping this up now to be bigger than it is....

Please keep in mind minor details of this story have been changed to protect the innocent. Well not so innocent - you will learn as you read on. Please also note the story below may not be suitable for all readers. If you get offended easily just stop reading now.

So I once knew this girl. We ran into each other from time to time, (but in no way besties) She appears to be "normal" - average intelligence, good looking, a bit kooky but no more so than everyone else I know. This girl also happens to frequent the house of God. She has strong beliefs that involve the church. Good for her.

One day we were chillin. Havin a chat. The subject was: Boys, Guys, Dudes, Men...thoughts on the male gender, comments on our recent escapades and such. Now, as mentioned this girl has strong religious beliefs. Beliefs that include NO SEX before marriage. To each their own. So, she was detailing one of her victims, shall we say...They were makin out, things were gettin...heavy?....um, and so the dude kinda backs off as he knows this girls NO SEX rule. She is not wanting to stop so she sits up. Smiles. In a voice more serious and innocent than I can even FATHOM goes:

"Well, it doesn't count if it's in the ass"

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHK

This was the point where I literally lost my shit. BACK THE TRUCK UP. I am sure you can all picture my face upon hearing such an incredulous statement. Is this for real?! She MUST BE making this up to be funny OR she is definitely doing boys behind God's back. None of the above people! Upon further questioning she was DEAD SERIOUS. She really thought that since you can't make babies up the bum then God would be buck with her bangin down the back door. Of course she was still a Virgin! Let me repeat the statement: "IT DOESN'T COUNT IF IT'S IN THE ASS" Upon picking my chin up off the floor I continued to question: Have you made this statement to other dudes that you um date? - response: "Yeah, all the time"

Alright. So as HILARIOUS as I think this is, I gotta imagine it from the guys prospective: Your makin out with this hot chick, you know she's not gonna do you, but heck, you sit with her every week at church, she is such a "nice" girl and hey, good times. IMAGINE this same girl looking you dead in the eye (you have to remember she is not dirty talkin either) and says "Well, It doesn't count if it's in the ass" WOAH. I mean is this not every dudes DREAM? Here baby let me roll over so you can fuck me in the ass. (Woot Woot, No babies!)

Truly, when I am feeling sad this makes me smile every time without fail.

The fact that she was so nonchalant about it. At the time I still couldn't believe what I was hearing. (Let me say, I am very liberal, so it's not about the bum doings) It's her entire thought process. I went home that night thinking she HAD to be putting me on. So I did what any girl would do. Research. I happened to know a couple of her...boyfriends. I'm not gonna say how it went down, but lets just say I had one of them confirm for me that the above is absolutely true. They actually OFFERED the info. I didn't pry. (I mean how can you edge around this one lightly)

So that's my story. The story that makes me question everything I have ever known. Was Jessica Simpson really holding out for marriage or was she just bum fucking cause it really doesn't count?!!! I mean, really, maybe the church isn't so bad after all! Seriously, the fact that this person honest to goodness believed what she was saying meant that there are probably more like her. Actually, imagine her thoughts on other things. Just regular stuff! Maybe I am the crazy one here. Quite possible.

Amen.