Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Lockin Lipz

Do you remember the best kisser you have ever kissed?

Sometimes a kiss is just a kiss, and then there is a KISS. Like the kind that makes you remember why you get up in the morning - and brush your teeth as a matter of fact.

There are the first nervous kisses. Like the ones where you are barely dating the person and you literally feel 12 years old again. It's like you forget how to breathe and keep choking on your curiously strong breath mint. All you can do is pray he doesn't swallow your face or choke you out with his tongue. Or even worse pull out the "Nana" - aka Bum-hole lips. I always laugh when that happens and then things get awkward pretty fast.

Then there are the sloppy "I've had a few too many Margarita's" kinda Kisses. This usually happens at drinking establishments, beach parties, or places really inappropriate when you are not, ahem, 19 anymore. I of course, have never experienced one of those kinds. However, I hear they are pretty much all the same due to the fact your lips are actually numb and you don't really give a flying fuck because SOME HOW you are wearing these really cute beer goggles that make everyone look infinitely hotter than they really are. Anyway.

Oh, and then there are the "cute-sy, sweet, nose rubby" kinda kisses The one's when you are new-ish but now so new that you are jittery in a relationship. The ones when you actually LIKE each other. Once you are "in love" I find the good kissin kinda stops. Maybe this is why my past relationships haven't worked out. Who knows? I mean, when you just want to smooch (ew who says smooch?) cause you really dig each other. When you get into a long term relationship its like you kiss "Hi, Good-Bye and Alright, just shove it in" You never really make out anymore right?

Then there are the shockingly amazing kisses. Like the ones that make you you forget your name and all that gay stuff. The ones you don't have to work on. The ones that just fit. No, not just fit, but like REALLY FIT. Sort of like comparing Levi's with Sevens. One does the job, but the other GETS THE JOB DONE. Know what I mean? I have had my share of good ones, great ones, lovey ones, cute-sy ones, awkward ones, Nana -I never wanna kiss you again ones... mayyybe one or two drunken ones but only a very few AMAZING better than ANY cookie, fried chicken, or Keanu Reeves - in Speed -fantasy.

There was this one guy. I was mad crazy balls for him. MAD CRAZY BALLS. If you know me at all, you know this is rare. I am unapologetically aloof in the lust department. To your face I mean. I do love, love and all, but it takes a LOT to get me twitterpated and swoony so to speak. Anyway, MAD CRAZY BALLS for this guy. One fateful night, things got real. I didn't see it coming, very unexpected. LET ME TELL YOU when we kissed I nearly fucking fainted. He had the best set of lips I have ever kissed. I literally couldn't speak and wanted to eat his whole entire face off. I legit-shit you not. Once you have had a perfect set of lips the bar is set disappointingly high for all the lips going forward. So what happened to Mr. beautiful smooch face? I shouldn't say too much considering this is sort of the Internet, but what I will say, is I ended up being highly allergic to his um, body wash, dog orr something, and when I broke out in FULL BODY HIVES umm it sorta killed the mood. The full story would make you cry - these things only happen to me. We kissed a few magical times after said hives, but truth be told, I have yet to recover.

Point being, Great kissin, is an art. It is so often kinda skipped over, or brushed off, but I would take a brilliant kisser over a big bank account (or a big um, you know) ANY day. I would never eat KFC AGAIN if I was guaranteed to lock lipz with a man, who knows how to REALLY kiss, for the rest of my life.

True story. Solid Fact.

I really need a boyfriend.

1 comment:

  1. Oh HoW. I could not agree with you more. When you find that one person who can just totally turn you inside out with just a kiss - it's unbelievable. The ultimate dream is that hopefully that one perfect kisser will one day become my husband and we can just kiss all the time, for the rest of days. Howevs, that has not been my experience. No, my experience was that it was just this great guy I used to make out with - and other than our lips locking...nothing else clicked. You know, we got along but there was no real connection. (Yes, I hate myself for using the term 'connection.' Maury, whaaaat?.) Anyway - it seems like once you've had that perfect kiss and lose/misplace/dispose-of it, you just spend the rest of your time searching for the closest replacement. I know I've only found one true contender who could have stolen the crown by the entire sitch was just SO crushing that the guy who set the bar in the first place still owns it.

    What was the point of my comment? Oh..right. Yeah, I like kissin'.