Tuesday, September 29, 2009

They try to make me go to Rehab.....

Well here I am!

I arrived yesterday (towing a super sized suitcase, a garbage bag full of linens, my LT and two ridiculously large purses) Mom and Dad drove and set me up all nice and comfy. It was a weird feeling. Kinda like Uni minus the beer, hot boys and I guess beer? They gave me a choice between a hospital room and a "transitional living suite" Pshhhhhhh I'll take the Suite please. It's actually pretty pimp. I have my own kitchen (with a washer/dryer, a dishwasher, full oven, microwave) a little couch and TV with a table and stuff, then a bedroom with a full bath. Ooh and There is a big double pull down bed for VISITORS. (That isn't a hint, I like being alone but just sayin) If you ignore all the hospital equipment and gadgets it's a definite 4 star. Since I have a full kitchen I went to Sobe's yesterday and picked up an impressive clean and organic grocery order. I generally hate food shopping, but it has been so long I felt like a five year old picking out her favorite cereal. Anyhow, after all that excitement we hit up McDonald's for a happy meal. Seriously. The health crap is just for looks. When my parents left I was half relieved but also a bit sad/nervous. I mean, what if no one wants to be my friend? What if I suck at Rehab? Moving along, I met a team of people who are assigned to ME. Wow. I mean, I am sure I am not their ONLY patient, but they put on a good act. They measured every part of me, weighed me (YIKES) Watched me hobble and took LOTS of notes. I wonder what those things say anyway?? I bet it's nothing medical. Prolly something like "Patient seems mildly retarded, Self Stim's by talking to herself and laughing at nothing, Clean but her hair needs some work, and she clearly needs to lay off the cookies and practice Yoga" Mmm. Somethin like that I think. I failed to mention they have HIGH SPEED. I have been I-podding my brains out. Yesterday, after my full inspection, they sorta just left me alone so I DJ'd/DL'd Like a Mo Fo. I haven't met any buddies. I am sorta alone down here and I get the vibe that this suite buys me no friend points.

Today I woke up at 7AM. It was painful but I didn't want to be a bad patient. I checked my "schedule board" (that is color coded and yes I drew a heart beside my name - those rehab bitches gotta know who's boss right?) To my dismay I wasn't scheduled until 11:30. Fuck. I dragged myself outta bed because you are supposed to check first thing to make sure you don't miss a session (and the schedule is posted all the way upstairs) So I did a bit of soul searching and watched some talk shows until it was my turn. My physiotherapist is one of the tiniest adults I have ever encountered (I was REEEALLY bankin on a McSteamy) I am sure she is excellent, but sweet Jesus how the hell is this preschooler gonna maneuver me?! I mean, I'm not big by any means, but I'm talkin TINY. Anyway, she pulled out her notes, took some more and did a lot of "mmhmm-ing" She contorted my body like an pretzel and was shockingly strong. I am no a Physio V-card - I've been around the block - and let me tell ya, this chick was IMPRESSIVE.

Anyway, I'm off to my next session. Pretty stoked. My only complaint is that the gym is floor to ceiling mirrors. After two months of only moving to piss (Well to be honest, I guess more like a YEAR) this was a bit of a wake up call. Those organic groceries aren't lookin so bad after all.

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