My brother is home for the Holidays. We see each other annually. When you are away from each other for a while it's easy to forget you share genes with another human and that you grew up in the same household...and what that really means.... For me, it means this:
Woke up this morning: Paul Simon "Call me Al" was top volume. Coffee grinder buzzing. Brother is cooking scrambled eggs swimming in bacon fat. Nice. VERY nice. Not only do I love Paul Simon, but I love bacon fat. A lot. Sit down to eat. Brother- dead outta the blue (mind you Paul is still singing)
"Know why I love cheesy 80's songs?"
Brother: "They always remind me of Mom dancin around in those those Aqua Size classes at the Aquatic Center when we were kids in the piss pool"
Me: Insane laughter.
Spent the morning Christmas Shopping. To spice up Sears he body checked me into a Sectional Couch to only then piggy back me through the household section cause I blamed him for hurting my ankle. Despite the strange glances I thought it was fun. I picked out my Clinique Christmas present. Yipeeee!!
Lunch Time - Food Court - We head straight to KFC (you can only blame genetics for this one) I order my regular Big Crunch Combo, no slaw - gravy with a diet coke (diet pop just tastes better...) Brothers order: ---get ready for this -- I'm gonna quote here
" Hey Man, I'll have a Big Crunch Combo, oh and yeah can you add some cheese and bacon?...I'm hungry lets up size the fries...heck gimme a Poutine"
I have never been prouder to call him my brother than this exact moment. I give him this look as to say " I am so impressed to be related to such an incredible pig" and he goes: " Well, you're watching your weight right?" Honest to God.
Continue Shopping - In LaSenza - (Mom needs Jammies) Some dick asks the sales lady - quite rudely - to turn off the Christmas music. I'm not a huge fan either, but tis the fucking season. The associate was very polite and turned it off.
Brother: "Jesus Christ, what about the kids?!"
Me: Kids don't shop for thongs"
Brother: "WE'RE BUYING MOM THONGS?!"
Me: "Shut up"
Get to the cash -
Brother: "I dunno Hale, it just ain't Christmas till it's a Mariah Carey Christmas"
Mr Dick is behind us. Thought there was gonna be a fist fight in the bra bin. There wasn't.
Later back home we are watchin some Dexter episodes. He comments on how it's effin disgusting it is that I am under the covers where he sleeps. As I am typing this maybe it was gross? (ew?!) I was cold at the time right? Layin there. Silence.
Brother "Dontcha think his sister looks like a total man?!"
Brother: "I mean she sorta looks just like you"
Brother: "Well she's pretty boney so maybe not"
Kicked him HARD with the moon boot. I thought I saw a glimmer of a tear and he shoved me clear off the bed onto the floor.
Let the Holiday Season begin.