Don't want no Paper Gangsters

Top Ten Reasons why it's Great to be Single:

1. You can use it as an excuse for pretty much everything. Well almost everything. The younger you are the more this applies. Single girls DO have more Fun.

2. You can write off all lingerie purchases as a sexy business expense.

3. No dirty white socks ALL over the floor ALL the flipping time.

4. No more sharing the ice cream, covers or remote.

5. You don't have to pretend to like his Mother.

6. It's girls night EVERY night and lets be honest, if you get tired of em it can be a Boy(s) night too.

7. Single girls have THE best hair, THE best wardrobes and THE best asses.

8. Everything you buy is YOURS and it's all about YOU.

9. Variety really IS the spice of life

10. You NEVER have to fake it.

Greasy Goodness

Phycological Spring is near my friends!

I woke up this mornin with a goofy grin, mad sexy bed head and a glorious tingle in my ankle.

February 14th is my Phycological Spring- for those not in the know. Every year on such day my brain shuts out Winter and has a proverbial Luau. It can snow 50 feet on February 15th and I ain't mad at it. It's Spring biotch! It has been this way for as long as I can remember. It helps that my Mom always made a HUGE deal outta Valentines Day. I really don't understand all you haters. I get that it's totally a commercial money grab - but so is EVERY holiday - including your stupid birthday (that no one really cares about) - so get over it. If you are single then get over that too and buy yourself some fucking chocolate. In fact, because V-Day/Phyc. Spring is my favorite day of the year (other than my birthday of course-ha) I get lots of gifts. So take a hint from Misses Lova and mark it on your calender as Phyc. Spring - It'll change your life.

Moving on, I have appointed a new "uniform" It's a fleecy hot pink, off the shoulder, knee length number that makes the "Red Suit" (old uniform) look LuLu Lemon-esque (?) Sportin bed head and new uni I decided to make bacon n eggs this morning. Whats better than THAT on a hump day right? (other than actual humping but lets not go there) The lyrical genius - Ray Lamontagne is the mid week soundtrack. Do y'all do that? Like have certain songs that just flow through your mind all day and they sorta mold or define the day? Like yesterday was a mix of JayZ and Michael Bolton. Not one of my better days.

So, makin bacon. Previous viewers have commented on how weird it is I don't have a "grease tin" I always pour it into a mug. I empty it later in the day and then put it in the dishwasher. Why keep a disgusting tin or bottle or whatever you normal people use under the sink? I have been enlightened. I was rockin (right OUT) to Ray's rendition of "Crazy" (appropriate) on my fourth cup of coffee when I mistakenly swigged the mug of grease. EPIC ERROR. It dribbled down my chin and everything. I was able to hack half of it in the sink. Thankfully, Earley was my only witness and I KNOW he was laughing. Then again he loves bacon fat so maybe not? To make the situation that much awesomeerr I had a chemical peel yesterday (I know I know) and am not aloud to wash my face (with soap) till tomorrow. Eau de bacon fat anyone?

It actually tasted kinda good. So whatevs. 4 more days!

and so I digress...er...regress...

Sooo I tried the Tim Hortons breakfast "Samich" on an english muffin and it honestly kicked the McMuffin...in the muff? Highly recommend. Actually, if we are on the topic of breakfast "samiches" the biggest thing I miss about being uptown on the daily is Java Moose. Their bacon n egg on a faccotia (yes I am such a bad speller that the checker won't pick up my guess) is delightful.

I was a Winter Spectator Extraordinaire (coinin and capitalizin) yesterday. Yup. True story. Hockey boys are cute right? Lily Lake was colder than you know what. Considering I had literally no sleep the night before I think that was a good thing.

Well, and while we are on THAT topic, I do think this is worth mentioning. So picture this. Local pub. Sober. Packed. The crowd was um, unsavory? to say the least. ANYWAY - watchin some chill live tunes (key word is chill) These two intensely intoxicated "chix" were trying to make out with the singer. Like tongue kiss. While he was performing! I don't really get awkward but I couldn't watch. We's be ridin dirty tonight! My Wing-woman went to point out (like literally) to "chix" that one was about to trip over a chord (in her 5 inch Payless special) and of course they thought we were bitchin them out. I guess we secretly WERE, but really we didn't want her to fall (well actually, I did, but my friends are a lot nicer than me) Then it got really awkward cause I thought there was gonna be a fight... there wasn't.

The night progressed. I don't wanna get into the "deets" but it sorta ended with Winger looking me dead in the face (not eye) and giving the best advice I have received to date: "Remember he's drunk and you're classy" Now for those of you who don't know the actual story this probably leads you in a direction I don't want you to take. The "drunk" is not really a random. There's a story however none the less, I left classy.

So after all that, why no sleep? I got home at 3, and then couldn't get my gosh darned boot off. It took the better part of 30 minutes to "kick" it off. Then I was so hyped up over my personal victory (ahem, and not with the boot) I didn't go to sleep till 5am. I don't wanna say FML but F-M-L....

So yes, tired, cold, hockey. Winter Spectator Extraordinaire. My favorite part was when this dude referenced using his "cup" to serve guacamole in for the Superbowl. So sick. So funny. Funnier is the entire "situation" There is so much I could say in reference to "the situation" however the Internet is not known for keeping secrets. Howwwever, let me just put this out there: It ain't no secret - THE GIG IS UP (or wait is it, JIG?)

On the subject of keeping secrets...I really gotta learn to shut the eff UP. Sometimes too much info is just too much info...mystery is not my specialty. Why do I feel the need to throw EVERYTHING out there but then not REALLY throw ANYTHING out there? That thought, mixed with freezing ass cold made me thirsty. Really thirsty.

Onto the next event. Curling. Multiple beverages. Very exciting - spectating that is. Spent the better part of the night making fun of this poor girl with a very unfortunate sweater....and face. Hell is gonna be so much fun. I mean I was really laughing with her. I have many unfortunate "uniforms" and faces...hmm.... Spent the other half of the night discussing the unfortunate social folly that is THE tramp stamp. This will be another blog entirely.

I'm not sure how to wrap this all up. My take aways from the past few days are:

1. Tim Horton trumps Ronald McDonald wit da egg burgers.
2. I'm classy
3. I will no longer purchase high boots that are not equipped with zippers
4. Body language. Social queues. Sometimes the eyes are louder than the mouth.
5. #4 is not supposed to be profound. If you think it is, never talk to me again, or what I really mean is date me. Or what I really mean is.....
6. Any article of clothing that has a duck and/or tree's and/or looks like it fit you 5o lbs ago is not cool. Just don't do it. Thats what I really mean.

Crazy? Theres something so pleasant about that place...

So, I'm pretty sure I'm on the verge of a nervous break down.

Know when you hear one of "those songs" and you just burst into tears? If you are a normal functioning adult you probably don't...but I do! Earlier it was some gay Seal re-make and I just exploded into this salty snotty mess. I mean, SEAL for fuck sakes. Even Rod Stewart would be more acceptable.

On the other hand, it might be because I had the kind of dreams last night that make you wake up sobbing. Again, if you are a normal functioning adult, you probably don't have those either...but...I do!

Was I dreaming of super scary mean monsters or an excruciating death?

Nope. I dreamt about.... Babies.

Yup. Babies, Infants, Mini aliens.... I won't get into specifics, but when I woke up at 3am I was terrified. I had to get up and make toast in an effort to calm the frick down. (ended up tripping over the dog and waking up my parents which was pretty humiliating in itself, buuut anyhow) I mean, maybe this is the after shock of that pint of Vodka I consumed on the weekend?

I suppose to a normal, functioning adult this doesn't seem so frightening, however this is ME and although I enjoy small children (sort of)...babies wonk me out. Know how many times I have heard "Oh you are going to be such a wonderful Mother" Jesus Christ, just because I can make Play-Dough and um, I dunno, HAVE A VAGINA does NOT exactly make me eligible for Mother of the Year. I mean, a constant TICKING in a girls ear is enough to make anyone pull a Lohan right?

I'm not saying I wanna run out and register at Babies R Us, but I'm just saying maybe they're not SO disgusting. What IS disgusting however, is that pint of Vodka and still using "upper hand" as your main dating tactic. Maybe, that's what this is really about. OR maybe it's because I am still primarily living with my parents and have to go back to (physical) rehab in a week.

I mean, really....compared to most I have NOTHING to complain about, but something tells me nervous break downs don't really discriminate eh? I don't think it helps that I am lying in bed with a cat....Crazy Town here I come....

No you can't always get what you want...

So here we are - 2010. A brand new year. Too bad we are our old selves.

Resolutions are for losers. Lets face it. I chose to only make ones I can keep, if any at all.
The fitness resolutions make me chuckle. Everyone in Saint John is fat. Get over it. Seriously though. It's the peeps that tie on their brand new kicks January first with a baggie full of organic broccoli that are en route to a break down mid February. Being a horrible person, it makes me smile. Another popular one is "volunteering" - what a great thing - but I generally find such people just like "volunteering" the info that they are gonna be such a great humanitarian. Ps. That really gets you no points, and if anything makes SO much worse than me.

I'm not hatin on self improvement though. Lets just be realistic. Here is my list for 2010. Make fun of me all you want:

1. I vow to be more diligent in checking my voice mails....bi weekly is a bit slack?

2. While on the topic of telecommunications, I will also try to not screen your call... every time you call.

3. If I REALLY don't like you, I'm NOT going to be friends with you. Save the drama for your Mama - I'm over it.

4. I will learn to make at least two meals this year. (They don't have to be healthy OR fancy)

5. No more tanning beds. EVER. This Danny Tanner is DONE with the fake n bake.

6. No more "Dofers" (If you don't know what this means then good for fucking you)

7. If I need some help - I'm just gonna ask. If I wanna cry - I'm gonna sob... If I love you - I'm gonna say so (this excludes the Podiatrist) AND If I want a freakin cookie - I'm gonna have two.

8. I will watch Mama Mia at least 5 more times.

9. I am going to attempt to like (un battered) shrimp.

10. Rather than hitting the snooze button seven times every work day morning I'm aiming for twice.

That's all I got.

Sib Love

My brother is home for the Holidays. We see each other annually. When you are away from each other for a while it's easy to forget you share genes with another human and that you grew up in the same household...and what that really means.... For me, it means this:

Woke up this morning: Paul Simon "Call me Al" was top volume. Coffee grinder buzzing. Brother is cooking scrambled eggs swimming in bacon fat. Nice. VERY nice. Not only do I love Paul Simon, but I love bacon fat. A lot. Sit down to eat. Brother- dead outta the blue (mind you Paul is still singing)
"Know why I love cheesy 80's songs?"
Me: "No?!"
Brother: "They always remind me of Mom dancin around in those those Aqua Size classes at the Aquatic Center when we were kids in the piss pool"
Me: Insane laughter.

Spent the morning Christmas Shopping. To spice up Sears he body checked me into a Sectional Couch to only then piggy back me through the household section cause I blamed him for hurting my ankle. Despite the strange glances I thought it was fun. I picked out my Clinique Christmas present. Yipeeee!!

Lunch Time - Food Court - We head straight to KFC (you can only blame genetics for this one) I order my regular Big Crunch Combo, no slaw - gravy with a diet coke (diet pop just tastes better...) Brothers order: ---get ready for this -- I'm gonna quote here
" Hey Man, I'll have a Big Crunch Combo, oh and yeah can you add some cheese and bacon?...I'm hungry lets up size the fries...heck gimme a Poutine"
I have never been prouder to call him my brother than this exact moment. I give him this look as to say " I am so impressed to be related to such an incredible pig" and he goes: " Well, you're watching your weight right?" Honest to God.

Continue Shopping - In LaSenza - (Mom needs Jammies) Some dick asks the sales lady - quite rudely - to turn off the Christmas music. I'm not a huge fan either, but tis the fucking season. The associate was very polite and turned it off.
Brother: "Jesus Christ, what about the kids?!"
Me: Kids don't shop for thongs"
Brother: "WE'RE BUYING MOM THONGS?!"
Me: "Shut up"
Get to the cash -
Brother: "I dunno Hale, it just ain't Christmas till it's a Mariah Carey Christmas"
Mr Dick is behind us. Thought there was gonna be a fist fight in the bra bin. There wasn't.

Later back home we are watchin some Dexter episodes. He comments on how it's effin disgusting it is that I am under the covers where he sleeps. As I am typing this maybe it was gross? (ew?!) I was cold at the time right? Layin there. Silence.
Brother "Dontcha think his sister looks like a total man?!"
Me: silent.
Brother: "I mean she sorta looks just like you"
Me: Silent.
Brother: "Well she's pretty boney so maybe not"
Kicked him HARD with the moon boot. I thought I saw a glimmer of a tear and he shoved me clear off the bed onto the floor.

Let the Holiday Season begin.

See I'm about an 1/8th away from ballin every single day...

Rich. Mint. Ballin. Epic...insert your favorite "urban" adjective right HERE.

1. So Remember how I have been doing house reno's? Alright... the Toilet I bought... slogan - catch phrase - in bold letters, on the box read this: Your Business. Your Brand. Gerber, this is plain genius. I liked it so much I bought two. (shit you not) I have laughed about this to myself for the better part of three weeks.

2. Found out my crank, waste of life neighbor, thought I was selling the house. Think again jerk bastard. I look forward to making your life a living hell for many years to come. For all my other wonderful neighbors you can look forward to a delicious holiday tin of bits and bites on your door step next week!

3. One of my best friends shit her pants last week.

4. For all of you who used to frequent THE WELL circa 2001: DL (down load?) Bron-Yr-Aur Stomp - Led Zeplin. Crack a Moose light and rip out a kitchen party. Props to KMFG!!! It'll take ya back. I can smell my bangs. Mall... bangs.

5. My credit card bill came in at a measly 7K this month. I actually paid it. In full. Hi my name is Haley, and I'm a responsible adult?!! (who is living with her parents - minor detail)

6. I had an appointment with a Podiatrist last week. A young, sexy one! (I know, I didn't think that existed either) After my exam, he goes "check it out" and whips off his shoe and proceeds to shows me an ankle just as messed as mine. I told him we must be sole mates. He loved it. I think I actually love him.

7. My brother and bestie in the Westie is coming home for the holidays annnnd that deserves a big time 'ballin in my books.

8. Rehab take two starts on Monday. My track pants and sweat bands are packed. I'm ready to bring it.

9. Due to the up coming 'hab check in I felt it necessary to hit up a local pub frontin the Moon Boot. Might not have been one of my better ideas. The bottle of wine was a real good idea though.

10. So you know MSN? You"chat" on there right? To your friends? Let me just say I am obviously outta this loop! Short, (or long) end of this story is...I don't have a web cam. Some people do! I was having a chat (about the weather no less) and one of my "friends" decides to turn the cam on his stark naked body. I'm not gonna lie. I lost my shit. Funniest. Thing. Ever. C'mon kids, is THIS what I'm missin?! (Clearly I'm old) I'm down with the nude, but seriously? naked birds via MSN dirty? yes. Funny as heck when your gimped out on the couch? HELLS YES. Please also note this truly had nothing to do with #9.... ;)

Happy Holidays! XOXOX