Friday, September 30, 2011

Psyc!... I mean Sike!....or I mean...


So I just clogged the toilet flooding my entire second floor bathroom. It trickled through the floor, down the wall, pooling in the front entrance. If this doesn't sum up my ENTIRE shit storm of a life then I just don't know what do.

I flushed rotting chili (note: It came from a Tupperware NOT my person) It was filled with mold. It was the only thing left in my fridge other than wine, beer and soda water.

Don't even get me started on why I actually went up two flights of stairs to flush the moldy beans. I have a bathroom right off of my kitchen.

I was running around my WREAK of a house (in a disgusting second hand boy sports tee) trying to clean it up when the door bell rang. It was World Vision. I almost fell to my knees and started whaling.

They were coming for a follow up visit. Oh God. I'm not wearing pants and smell like Eau de Chili toilette.

To make a long story short, I sponsored a child last month because they came to my door and sang Sarah McLaughlin for like 72 minutes straight. I can't feed myself little own some poor mini Mexican - HOWEVER sometimes I feel like I don't do enough charitable shit, so just gave in.

Have I mentioned I NEED A SPONSOR?!!!

Anyway. I ended up getting a picture in the mail, put it on my fridge, and I truly believe looking at that sweet little girl (that I cannot afford) every morning has chipped away at my sanity (not to mention soul) for the past month. I mean, How can I call and cancel?!! It's like - this 7 year old is all stoked, that she gets to eat one meal a day, to only get a SIKE!?!!! Just Jokin' maybe next time!!

Oh hi hell.

They were just inquiring if I had received all of my info and if I was interested in Christmas boxes or something or other. I literally started to silently hyperventilate and just murmured something about being sick.

My mother saw the picture on my fridge and was like "HAVE YOU LOST YOUR LOVING MIND?!?!! You have lost it, Oh my God!, You have Lost.Your.Mind. It has finally happened! Call your brother. Oh.My.God."

Yup. I haven't been to work all week. It all started with insane puking and ended in peeing blood. The garbage in between is both disturbing, disgusting and truly devastating. So I digress.

Speaking of Mexico. My family and I are supposed to go for Christmas. How IRONIC. I have to renew my passport. Passport photo's are totes comical right? I found my old room mates passport pics a couple months ago. They earned a spot on my fridge next to Dora. That little darling.

When my Mom had her pic done the chick at Sears was like:

"Ma'am You have to open your eyes"

Mom: " They are open honey - you just can't see them because I'm wrinkled and fat"


Upon completion, she went on to tell my Father:

"With Pictures like these we shouldn't be aloud in our OWN Country for Christ sake"

For the record my Mother is beautiful with a big smile and deep set eyes so sometimes they disappear a bit. Come on Sears chick. Get a clue.

So anyway, THAT said...My FATHER drops me a text this morning saying: "I'm really disappointed in you, I'm re-thinking Mexico"

Really?!!! This is my life?!!

Dude. I'm 31 and my punishment for being an utter life failure is not going to Mexico with my parents like a huge loser?! This made me laugh. I definately do NOT deserve a Corona Christmas. Everyone knows that. It's just to have your Father call you out via text when you are 31 - it sort of rips your heart out. If said heart
hadn't been workin overtime - You know, pissin out blood all week - I may have thought twice before putting this in a blog.

Well, Cheers to the freakin' Weekin'! (cause that's the only way it actually rhymes yo!) Everyone I know is a mess, a wreak. At least we're all in it together. If you have your shit together right now I don't even want to know you. Unless you are going to deliver cake and are uglier than me. Like, both at the same time. Just kidding, of course. Pretty people can bring me cake too. Just don't look at me.

Seriously, anyone who knows ANYTHING knows I am one of the luckiest. I'm just trying to make the rest of you feel better becaaaaaause I'm thoughtful AND sweet AND not at all selfish and feeling sorry for myself.

Much Meep-y Love,


Ps. For all of you looking for a "laser hair removal update" --
I ain't got one. I'm too busy feeding the fucking world :)