Thursday, July 21, 2011

Hipster Cows say Mooh

I'm the kind of person who puts the frying pan in the dishwasher expecting it to actually come out clean. The Egg-y omelet pan. I figure one of these days it's gonna wash off. There is this one SPOON (covered in boiled egg cement) that I have put through the cycle 4 times. Every time I do it, I'm not sure why I'm bothering, but I guess it's easier than actually taking the 22 seconds to wash by hand - and now it's become a "lets see how many times I will let this go on" sort of brain game.

I planned on being productive this evening but one thing led to butter chicken (with a side of gossip) and now I think the curry is burning a hole in my stomach. I'm not sure what went wrong, but I drank a half a bottle of pepto and am afraid to move more than my fingers. I have an iron tummy for frig sakes. This never happens. Ugh. Hopefully I'm not getting Irritable Bowel in my old age. That would suck.

Tomorrow ends my week long Birthday celebrations. I am sure many are relieved. My brothers early morning Text from out West:

"Holy Shit you're old. I'll call you later when you have had time to sober up and realize it - Happy Birthday Hayla" (the bastard was tongue tied as a child)

For an entire week I have eaten cake at every meal, drank wayyyy too many cocktails and sang along with a few too many "Happy Birthday to youuuuu's" My wonderful friends and family humor my silliness, which makes me smile, but I think I need some straight up veggie juice and a good cry. I need to even out all the "sweet sticky happy frosting" with a few "green sludgy fibre tears" Find my center maybe?

Then again...I mean speaking of eggs, sore tummies and getting's probably hormones. Fucking hormones. A dude suggested I was pre menopausal the other day (I'm a sweaty bitch in the morning) and I almost ripped his dick off (through his pants) Then again, I have my cycle mapped out to the near minute and my IPhone actually dings (yes, like - "Dings!") when I ovulate. It's pretty amazing as I truly believe I can feel the whole show (gross?) Anyhow, The Egg timer went off at work and a fellow employee actually called me on's like "Oh, you got a text, or wait - you are ovulating!" Pretty sure that's not work place appropriate. The reason that certain employee knows I have an "Egg Timer App" is a whole other shiteroo. Is this where I am suppose to digress?! Fucking hormones.

Back to the delicious Butter Chicken....As I type I am CERTAIN the curry poison has taken over my entire body - I still wouldn't take it back. I'm blaming the permanent hang over for making me eat EVERY SINGLE feeling I have felt this week. Blech. The entire Cherry Chip Cake was a bit much - Even for my super sized, often slightly exaggerated and irrational feelings. Ooh I have Lindor's in the freezer...

My Mother doesn't help matters. She gave me this yellowed old fashioned looking card for my birthday. Inside it says:

Dearest Haley Kathleen,

(then a cute n' sweet poem that I'll spare you)

- I'm not that cheap that I couldn't buy you a card. This is a card my Mother gave me when I turned 31. When she gave it to me she couldn't remember my name or the date so she just gave it to me blank. (my Granny had Alzthimers) So in a way this is from me and your Grandmother. What an OLD card eh?

I love you baby girl - Your MaMa

At first I laughed, then I cried - a bit uncontrollably.

It think this is where the entire cake came in.

Anyway, I shouldn't have brought that up. I'm going to get the Lindor's and an Extra Strengh Muscle Relaxer. Ooh, I think I'll start up the dish washer too! - Round 5 - Baby, I'm feelin' lucky!