Thursday, March 18, 2010

Tramp Stamp Extrordinaire

I have been a bit lazy on the blog front. Really, I don't have a lot to say. Well, that's a lie. I (of course) I have a LOT to say, but really nothing I want to ramble about on the word wide inter-web.

Lately I have been thinking. Not deep thinking, but just thinkin. (maybe it's the 30th Birthday coming up?) Thinking about "things I wish I knew then" sorta stuff. The more I think of said stuff - maybe I don't wish I REALLY knew then because...then it wouldn't be my life. Right?

I am sure we all have similar wish lists. If I were to write myself an FYI 10 years ago it might look something like this:

Dear Young and Foolish Hales,

First of all, I hope you are enjoying living at your parents house, using their car, having all your bills paid, laundry done and meals made to your exact preference.

You might want to quit the raging bitch routine you got goin on with your Mom. Also, you will miss your jerk - face brother when he's no longer there (to annoy the living shit out of you) so lock it up already.

Take a good look in the mirror. Don't be so critical. This is as good as it gets for you - enjoy it now because you won't always be able to eat KFC and chug "wine coolers" with reckless abandon. Also, while we are on the topic, I know you think you love tequila, but honestly tequila doesn't love you.

Wear sunscreen. I know you think you look better with a tan, but in a few years you will seriously regret it. I hear skin cancer ain't a party. Paying $400 for glycolic facial peels isn't so hot either.

Right now you might THINK you are Britney Spears. That's cool. Whats NOT cool is that heart you are gonna get stamped on your lower back. Sorry sweetie, but you are never gonna be taken seriously at the beach or in bed ever again. Unless he has an arm band of course.

I know you think you're pretty smart, but maybe you should actually attend your classes at University instead of doing unmentionable random activities. How lame, I know, but suck it up. When you get older "life" gets in the way and you won't have the rents payin the tuition that you are pissin away at Chippies.

Be careful with your relationships. In the end how you treat others (and yourself) is what really matters. You might want to try, but you can't change people. You shouldn't WANT to change them. If you do, then that is YOUR problem, not theirs.

Everyone doesn't HAVE to like you. You don't HAVE to be friends with everyone. You can say No and not follow it up with an I'm sorry. It's ok to ask for help. It's ok to be sad. It's ok to be so happy your cheeks hurt. No one cares if your bra doesn't match your panties. Be good to the people who are good to you. Be kind to the ones who suck. Recycle. Learn how to compost. Eat greens. Have fun with your hair color. Don't use too much white frosty eye shadow. Do lotsa kissin. Don't worry so much. Tell your Dad he's awesome. Seven jeans won't really change your life but they will change your ass. Sing, Dance, Travel and Floss. Upper hand is for insecure losers period.

When you "borrow" your parents car please remember to clean it up a bit before returning. This will save you years of humiliation.

DO NOT sign up for that grocery store credit card.

Smile. Life is short, and you are only "young" once.


The not as young but still pretty foolish,

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Don't want no Paper Gangsters

Top Ten Reasons why it's Great to be Single:

1. You can use it as an excuse for pretty much everything. Well almost everything. The younger you are the more this applies. Single girls DO have more Fun.

2. You can write off all lingerie purchases as a sexy business expense.

3. No dirty white socks ALL over the floor ALL the flipping time.

4. No more sharing the ice cream, covers or remote.

5. You don't have to pretend to like his Mother.

6. It's girls night EVERY night and lets be honest, if you get tired of em it can be a Boy(s) night too.

7. Single girls have THE best hair, THE best wardrobes and THE best asses.

8. Everything you buy is YOURS and it's all about YOU.

9. Variety really IS the spice of life

10. You NEVER have to fake it.