Monday, December 14, 2009

Sib Love

My brother is home for the Holidays. We see each other annually. When you are away from each other for a while it's easy to forget you share genes with another human and that you grew up in the same household...and what that really means.... For me, it means this:

Woke up this morning: Paul Simon "Call me Al" was top volume. Coffee grinder buzzing. Brother is cooking scrambled eggs swimming in bacon fat. Nice. VERY nice. Not only do I love Paul Simon, but I love bacon fat. A lot. Sit down to eat. Brother- dead outta the blue (mind you Paul is still singing)
"Know why I love cheesy 80's songs?"
Me: "No?!"
Brother: "They always remind me of Mom dancin around in those those Aqua Size classes at the Aquatic Center when we were kids in the piss pool"
Me: Insane laughter.

Spent the morning Christmas Shopping. To spice up Sears he body checked me into a Sectional Couch to only then piggy back me through the household section cause I blamed him for hurting my ankle. Despite the strange glances I thought it was fun. I picked out my Clinique Christmas present. Yipeeee!!

Lunch Time - Food Court - We head straight to KFC (you can only blame genetics for this one) I order my regular Big Crunch Combo, no slaw - gravy with a diet coke (diet pop just tastes better...) Brothers order: ---get ready for this -- I'm gonna quote here
" Hey Man, I'll have a Big Crunch Combo, oh and yeah can you add some cheese and bacon?...I'm hungry lets up size the fries...heck gimme a Poutine"
I have never been prouder to call him my brother than this exact moment. I give him this look as to say " I am so impressed to be related to such an incredible pig" and he goes: " Well, you're watching your weight right?" Honest to God.

Continue Shopping - In LaSenza - (Mom needs Jammies) Some dick asks the sales lady - quite rudely - to turn off the Christmas music. I'm not a huge fan either, but tis the fucking season. The associate was very polite and turned it off.
Brother: "Jesus Christ, what about the kids?!"
Me: Kids don't shop for thongs"
Me: "Shut up"
Get to the cash -
Brother: "I dunno Hale, it just ain't Christmas till it's a Mariah Carey Christmas"
Mr Dick is behind us. Thought there was gonna be a fist fight in the bra bin. There wasn't.

Later back home we are watchin some Dexter episodes. He comments on how it's effin disgusting it is that I am under the covers where he sleeps. As I am typing this maybe it was gross? (ew?!) I was cold at the time right? Layin there. Silence.
Brother "Dontcha think his sister looks like a total man?!"
Me: silent.
Brother: "I mean she sorta looks just like you"
Me: Silent.
Brother: "Well she's pretty boney so maybe not"
Kicked him HARD with the moon boot. I thought I saw a glimmer of a tear and he shoved me clear off the bed onto the floor.

Let the Holiday Season begin.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

See I'm about an 1/8th away from ballin every single day...

Rich. Mint. Ballin. Epic...insert your favorite "urban" adjective right HERE.

1. So Remember how I have been doing house reno's? Alright... the Toilet I bought... slogan - catch phrase - in bold letters, on the box read this: Your Business. Your Brand. Gerber, this is plain genius. I liked it so much I bought two. (shit you not) I have laughed about this to myself for the better part of three weeks.

2. Found out my crank, waste of life neighbor, thought I was selling the house. Think again jerk bastard. I look forward to making your life a living hell for many years to come. For all my other wonderful neighbors you can look forward to a delicious holiday tin of bits and bites on your door step next week!

3. One of my best friends shit her pants last week.

4. For all of you who used to frequent THE WELL circa 2001: DL (down load?) Bron-Yr-Aur Stomp - Led Zeplin. Crack a Moose light and rip out a kitchen party. Props to KMFG!!! It'll take ya back. I can smell my bangs. Mall... bangs.

5. My credit card bill came in at a measly 7K this month. I actually paid it. In full. Hi my name is Haley, and I'm a responsible adult?!! (who is living with her parents - minor detail)

6. I had an appointment with a Podiatrist last week. A young, sexy one! (I know, I didn't think that existed either) After my exam, he goes "check it out" and whips off his shoe and proceeds to shows me an ankle just as messed as mine. I told him we must be sole mates. He loved it. I think I actually love him.

7. My brother and bestie in the Westie is coming home for the holidays annnnd that deserves a big time 'ballin in my books.

8. Rehab take two starts on Monday. My track pants and sweat bands are packed. I'm ready to bring it.

9. Due to the up coming 'hab check in I felt it necessary to hit up a local pub frontin the Moon Boot. Might not have been one of my better ideas. The bottle of wine was a real good idea though.

10. So you know MSN? You"chat" on there right? To your friends? Let me just say I am obviously outta this loop! Short, (or long) end of this story is...I don't have a web cam. Some people do! I was having a chat (about the weather no less) and one of my "friends" decides to turn the cam on his stark naked body. I'm not gonna lie. I lost my shit. Funniest. Thing. Ever. C'mon kids, is THIS what I'm missin?! (Clearly I'm old) I'm down with the nude, but seriously? naked birds via MSN dirty? yes. Funny as heck when your gimped out on the couch? HELLS YES. Please also note this truly had nothing to do with #9.... ;)

Happy Holidays! XOXOX